Save Laurens Heart

Yesterday I was in a foul mood.  It was one of those days where I felt like nothing could cheer me up.  I spent four hours of my day sorting out insurance stuff; waiting on hold, dealing with automated touch-key messages, dealing with not-so-friendly insurance people.  Literally, I spent 11 am to 2 pm trying to solve an insurance mystery.  It seems that things just magically get messed up and then no one cares to fix it.  Plus, it’s unpleasant enough and then the representatives on the other end of your phone conversation make everything worse.  They are just so MEAN. I was crying on the phone.  So, this is how my day started and it was “poor me why do I have to deal with this nonsense” after that (it didn’t take much since I’ve been a little sad lately).

I decided to go to the hearts that I recently collected from my PM Box, and I was immediately saved.  The first one I opened  gave me such a warm feeling in my heart that I had to post it immediately.   This one blew my mind today.. it is a fiery, healthy, beautiful and healed heart!

Wow.

Thank you Mikey… this made my day.

If you like this, visit Mike at South Shore Tattoo!  Amazing!

I’m told that at some point in time we all inevitably have this moment where we sit back and say “is this really my life?”  This moment of disbelief could be the result of good things, or bad things, and it may happen in an instant never to be thought of again, or it may inspire someone to completely change their ways.  Well, I just had the day-equivalent to one of these moments.  What I need most right now is to purge my brain.

It’s been a few months since a trip to the heart center at Columbia Presbyterian hospital has served me a hard dose of reality.  This summer, I’ve managed to feel very far away from the real life health concerns the doctors (and probably most people I know) hold for me.  But today was one of those days where I had to bathe in reality.

It starts when I’m in the waiting room.  I’m always the youngest one in the Center for Advanced Cardiac Care.  Not the youngest ever (unfortunately), but the youngest I’ve seen at any given time in one of these waiting rooms.  It makes me feel like a loner, out of place.  I do things like dig through my purse for my Medicare card and stop because wait –-this isn’t the purse that should hold a Medicare card. No, that’s for people over 65 who have lived their life, met their grandchildren, people who have sucking candies and tissues in their purses and not shiny peach flavored lip gloss and ticket stubs from rock concerts.

I proceed into the rooms of doctors I’ve grown to trust yet, for some reason I still can’t believe anything that comes out of their mouths.  Not because I don’t understand what my situation is and not because I think they are incompetent…. no, that’s not it at all.  It’s because I truly do not believe that this is happening.  I do not believe that I will need to have open heart surgery or (I even hate the words) a heart transplant.  Today the doctor was talking about my life in years… in YEARS.  I felt like a spectator at a sport I know nothing about and the crowd is going wild.  I should feel something… anything… or at least join in and pretend?  But I haven’t been able to get on that train yet.

I sit on the examining table and watch my mother ask her questions.  Sure, we’re getting better at this whole thing: our business-like approach, our support for each other. Neither one of us cries or breaks down because we have a mutual protection for each other in these appointments.  We hold it together.  I think if one of us started crying we would never stop.  I’m happy she’s there, though.  So happy that we can do this together –although I’d much rather do mother/daughter shopping than mother/daughter heart failure appointments. I ache as I listen to her ask bitter questions and I study her face as she processes the answers.  The doctor doesn’t look at her in the eye as she answers.  I realize this is the most human trait I’ve ever seen in a doctor…  in that moment I saw that she knew this couldn’t be easy for my mom (or any mom) to hear.

I’m not upset or angry or sad when we leave. We finish our business at the hospital and continue our day, and we don’t talk about it for the rest of the time we spend together.  We’ve had our fill for now.

Hours pass and everything eventually gets quiet.  I sit in my bed thinking about it all.  “This is my life?”  How could I ever begin to make decisions like these?  How do I fight the urge to submit to planning your life in numbers, feeling robbed, and throwing a pity party after you hear things like “this operation could potentially give her 10-15 years…?”

Then my ever-optimistic husband says something so simple yet so right.  We do our best, and we have hope.  And that’s how we live.  With deep, immense, hope.

A sexy red heart from a very dear old friend.  I love!

My heart feels fabulous when I look at it…

I had a very scary experience last night.  Something like this has not happened in quite a while so it caught me completely off guard…  I was sitting on my couch after a long day when I felt my heart race. It was thumping super fast.  An uncomfortable fluttering feeling in my chest was immediately followed by seeing white spots.  And then, completely white.  I started to lean forward and tell T what was going on but I was frozen with fear.  Finally, the thumping stopped and I could see again.

It only lasted several seconds but it felt like a lifetime.  I was absolutely terrified afterward and in an instant all of these terrible feelings and traumatic memories rush in.  I am so happy I was not standing because I would have fallen.   I do not know what happened or why but now I’ll have to go and get it checked out this week.  That means a trip to the ICD clinic where the docs will check my pacemaker defibrillator to see what was recorded.   I am trying not to be paralyzed by this and continue living my life but I’m not going to lie… this really threw me off my game.  I so don’t want to deal with this right now.

I went to my room afterward and stared at my beautiful hearts and concentrated on all of the images.  I closed my eyes and told my heart that we are beautiful and healthy and it was just a little scare.   Nothing serious.  In the moments after my scary experience, looking at those hearts provided the hope I needed to be strong.

Can everyone please send my heart an extra kick of healthy vibes today?  I definitely need it.

Which brings me to the below!  These healthy heart cards came from Iowa and they rocked my world!  They are coming along with me today in my wallet so if I get scared when I’m out and about I can take one out and concentrate on the saying.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Since I am feeling  better and better and I’ve made it to the other side of the “survival mode” that I have had to maintain for the past three years, I am excited to use my brain for other things again! YES! I am happy to say that I am writing a lot —and not just about my health.  Freelance articles here and there have made me feel confident about myself again.  I am looking for more things that I can do from home, and for the first time in a long time I have a GOAL that does not depend on test results and doctors reviews. This goal is not health related!

I came across an essay contest that I felt compelled to enter.  I’ve never ever entered a contest before and I was a bit shy to actually put this “out there”. Turns out the more votes for my essay, the better of a chance I have at winning (the winner gets published)!

Please read my essay and if you like it, vote for me. If I do win, I am throwing a huge party & everyone who voted for me is invited! Trust.

Please vote by clicking below (you can vote once a day until the end of September)!

http://bourdainmediumraw.com/essays/view/1355

Thank you thank you thank you.

Lots of Love

L

Below is a package of love that I received from New Zealand.  I love seeing those “kiwi” stamps!  Included in my package this time around?  Homemade confetti hearts!  Fun fun fun.

A bunch of you have been asking me for updates on my health.  To be honest, I started the Healthy Heart Project because I was very close to putting an end to this health journal at the start of summer.  Then, it occurred to me that I could actually use my ongoing documentary as a tool… I would collect all of our good will, prayers, positive thoughts, love, and share it. Earlier this summer I found myself in a ‘funk’ where I didn’t care to write about my health anymore.  I didn’t want to face it and staring at words on a screen about the very thing I didn’t want to be reminded of proved to be too much at the time. I wanted to ignore it all for a while, pretend for a bit that I didn’t have to make heavy decisions and continue to deal with the ups and downs of my journey to good health.  This happens every so often but this passed case of the downers was a tough one to dig myself out of.  You see, things were getting intense in this busy buzzing brain of mine.  I was getting frustrated and impatient, wondering when am I going to be healed already! All of this complete with the “why me” questions and a plethora of icky emotions –not to mention waking up every morning with the unpleasant question looming over my head… “to open heart surgery or to not open heart surgery?”  Grrr!

I had a bit of an epiphany somewhere in between digging my face into brownie sundaes for comfort (always followed by guilt of course), and punching pillows while simultaneously sobbing on days that I was too achy or fatigued to be out in the world;  at some point I turned this whole journey into a race, something that I had to overachieve at, complete with this far reaching goal to heal myself NOW and accepting nothing less.  Needless to say I crumbled under the pressure and it wasn’t pretty.  I am still learning how to take one day at a time and make progress towards (here’s that word again) acceptance.  I had to take it down a notch, remind myself to be grateful and treat myself way kinder.  I still have a team of rockstar healers that I work with constantly: acupuncture, energy healing, Ostoepath, etc. these people are an integral part of my life.

Now, instead of sitting down at my computer and delivering information that brought me high highs and low lows, I sit here and admire the gorgeous drawings of my heart.  Each and every one  fill my days with joy.

Thank you NZ!

Thank you Jennifer!!

I have been getting heart LOVE from all around the Globe!  The UK, New Zealand, Japan, Wisconsin, Iowa, some from family members in Queens, and more…  I went to my PM Box recently and was so filled with joy when I came home and tore through the envelopes!   It has made a huge difference in my life and this batch came on a day when I was especially down.

So, this week I am posting a bunch of my Internationals. Each day I will put up a new bunch of healthy hearts from people whom I’ve never met that have sent me heart art, inspiring letters, in some cases their phone numbers and email addresses so that I could call for support or just to connect with a new friend.  I am floored by the goodness in people, and this gives me the hope and happiness to keep believing…

Below are some from England and New Zealand!

“Even broken hearts are beautiful”

Thank you thank you thank you to all of my new pen pals

The healthy heart project has blown me away!  There has been so many amazing surprises and most importantly, my heart feels healthy and happy with perfect perfect valves! I have hearts all over my apartment.  I look at them before I go to sleep at night and when I wake in the morning.  I pass them throughout the day, and they always make me smile.  Please keep them coming.  I haven’t decided exactly what I will do with all of them yet but I know it’s going to be something incredible.

Here is the heart that you can print out and color.

It’s interesting,  a lot of people have written in and told me just how much it does for their moods when they are feeling down, or maybe are going through a rough time.  Turns out the heart doesn’t just make me happy, but  those of you who are coloring are filled with love and positivity when doing so (not to mention how much fun it is to “color”).

Then, you can send them to 166 Allen Street PM Box #23 New York NY 10002-2110

Love always

Lauren