Yes, I am awake before 6 am, as I have been most of the night I coouldnt get comfy, and lots of worried thoughts kept my mind active. I am really disappointed to be in the hospital. I was hoping I’d stay away from these for awhile. I am really scared when things happen. I am so terrified something else will go wrong. Thank goodness I can post to my blog from my cell phone! Here’s a story for ya: Finally had words with my nurse last night. I had to call her in again for my IV (after she already unplugged it out of anger, annoyed at the beeping sound it was making). It was supposed to be running on its own (“gravity drip” according to negative nursey which I thought was BS), yet I noticed I was not getting any liquids. Well, she got so mad at me for “always looking for her” and she YELLED at me, saying it’s not my business to watch the IV, its her job to and I should not be concerned with it. I asked her why she was so mean and she got even nastier saying stupid stuff like “it’s too much here” and finally I was crying out of frustration. I told negative nursey “do you think I WANT to be here?!?!”. Then Sofia tried to defend me and this evil biatch nurse said she’s not even supposed to be here anyway so what Sof said just didn’t matter. My roommate was equally appalled at this nurse, whose name is quite ironically, Grace. Ummm… Not so much. I’m boiling. I really needed help at around 330 am and refused to call her in. I finally broke down and called (dis)Grace in where once again, she was less than thrilled to be here to give me my overdue painkillers and something to help out another issue I’m having. I do not feel safe here in this hospital. Esp with nurses like this. It’s the worst feeling. I’ve never been treated so badly. It’s plain scary.

… To sleep in the hospital. Sofia is here, keeping me company tonite. To quote her directly “I feel like we’re on Survivor” (as she tries to look comfortable in the two chairs she has designed as this evening’s bed). She cannot believe how straight out mean the nurses are. Everytime I call for one (because my IV was beeping or I am in pain) they take forever, then they come in huffing and puffing. I wait for fire to come out of their mouths as they growl. I’m sorry nurse, but do you have somewhere else to be? And apparently Sof and I didn’t get the notice that there is a HUGE social hour in the hallway on tonight’s shift. They are soooo loud, and even louder when they complain about us, their patients. It makes me feel really helpless. I’m trying not to get mad but I am and I’m also in pain. I miss Cleveland Clinic. I was so well taken care of there and the nurses were (gasp!) sweet and helpful. My nurse is so mean and she looks like Magda from There’s Something About Mary. True story. I don’t even think she’s like, a real nurse. This is sooooo so so annoying. I am totally writing to Lenox Hill about my experience.

I just made that word up. It’s what I call my current condition: in the hospital, pissed off and distrustful of most of the people who work here in the medical profession. I can’t count the amount of times I had to hold my tongue. I seriously have some major issues with my two nurses right now as well as two doctors from the ER today. They have zero bedside manner, they are clueless (they were going to give me meds that would have really harmed me) and they act as if you are inconveniencing them if you ask for something (“water please?” or “I need help with my iv when I walk to the bathroom please” or “I’ve been in pain for 12 hours now, may I have something to dull the pain?”!! So, I am here. I got admitted to my room from the ER around 4 pm. I am not happy about being in the hospital at all. Turns out I have a pretty terrible case of colitis. My colon is in bad shape. The docs need to watch over me. As per usual, they do not know why I have this colitis. It could be from taking antibiotics to often or just a random infection. I’m trying to keep it together. I was NOT prepared to go through such pain. Not so close to my last hospital stay. I was looking forward maybe not seeing the insides of one of these babies for a long time. I must go. Brain is cloudy. On lots of painkillers and I did not sleep one wink last nite or today. Oh and one more thing: Dear Lenox Hill, Please invest in some modern televisions for the rooms. Its my only escape tonight and I’m stuck with a 10 incher on some strange arm set up and you can only watch with (ready for this one?) headphones!!!!!! Signed, A frequent visitor. Good night all. Sweet dreams! Let’s hope tomorrow is better than today.

so something scary happened today. 

i had a rough night.  couldn’t sleep or get comfortable the entire night. terrible terrible stomach pains.  i started a new heart med last night and i took it before bed.  i was anxious and fidgety all night which is quite the opposite of what it should do (leave you fatigued and lower your blood pressure). so there is a lot going on and i have no idea what it is.  needless to say i was on edge all day since i did not sleep.  i was still in stomach pain (that test that never happened last week was supposed to address this pain and i am rescheduled for … get this… getting the test done in three weeks from now.  awesome)! 

so i am sitting on the couch and taking it slow when my heart starts having palpatations.  strong fast ones that haven’t happened in quite sometime.  this was followed by a complete draining feeling that came over me and i felt like i was gonna faint:  saw white, blinked really hard to gain focus back, followed by a sweat. if i was standing up i definitely would have fell.  it was scary. i reached out to thomas sitting next to me and told him what just happened.  we took my blood pressure three times… normal!  so, what the heck was this?  atrial flutters? anxiety? something else? of course, my mind spins out of control with worry.  i’m stopping the new med for now and calling the doc tomorrow.  i have to get to the bottom of this. i will NOT go backwards.

just hope i can quiet my mind long enough to sleep tonight

until tomorrow!

hope everyone had a restful fun weekend.

i’m not one to quote others but i just came across this and it made me smile. it speaks to me:

“i am my own experiment. i am my own work of art” -madonna

i had a realization today. it’s been 6 months. 6 months at my new position as ceo of healing. it occurred to me when some friends came over to discuss the fund rager. one of my (amazing) friends commented just how much time i have spent and still spend on looking for answers and managing a schedule of doctors, tests, procedures, medications, etc.

every. single. day.

i’ve always loved to work. seriously, i’ve had a job since i am 15 years old. throughout college i worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs. i love to keep busy and i always believe that working hard leads to good things. i never could have imagined or been truly prepared for my toughest job yet, the one i have now.

sometimes i let my mind run rampant during weekdays thinking about others my age, my friends hard at work: creating a way for themselves in the career landscape of nyc, their next steps for education, business school, masters programs, promotions, meetings, office politics. i miss work at a workplace.  i miss getting dressed up for work. however, i do take this position more serious than any other. quite frankly my life does depend on it. so i rise to the occassion every day, there is always a new opportunity to improve, to become enlightened, to experiment, to appreciate this mysterious work of art that is me.

ok, the ticker needs rest.

until next time…..

I didn’t post yesterday because I was very sick. In bed all day long , couldn’t move. I was in so much pain with my stomach … It was just awful. So awful. Couldn’t even speak. But, the great news is that I am feeling much better today (after hefty doses of antibios). Still sore but such an improvement! Aunt Cat is here hanging with me. We are having a great relaxing time. She is cleaning up and beautifying our garden! Yay! I am sitting on my new green chair watching her. It’s nice to just be able to hang outside.

After almost 2 hours in the waiting room, a wardrobe change, 2 phone calls double confirming everything last week, and no eating at ALL, the supervisor comes out and explains to us that they ” do not do this test here”. Done and done.