I think that some designer should create a chic hospital line for charity reasons and brighten up hosp rooms. Infuse a nice “happy” feeling into them. Hear that Martha? They should really consider this. It’s important. I’ve never ever seen a nice print on a hospital drape. Let’s get some color in here! Its 2008! Enough with the muted pastels!

Lauren, go to admitting and get the ball rolling…. Um, this is admitting, and there is not a single person here. No one at a desk, computer, etc… Its like a ghost room.

Of course of course of course this would happen. I get called to go into the hosp on a FRIDAY EVENING. Really? I’d love to know who is testing me “up there” because homegirl can’t catch a break with some things. I’m negative nancy right now so I’ll keep this short but I am so down about this. In a car, on a gorgeous day, headed to the hospital where ill stay for 7 days… The first 2 of which will be a zero. Meaning, I’m just there for the sake of being there cuz no procedures or tests or docs are there over a weekend. My driver is even pissed he has to drive me there. We are in bumper to bumper. The first one drove away, left me on the street with my bags when I told him how far uptown I was going. Everything is a battle.

Still waiting.  Yes, everyone. Still at home.

BUT. Got a call from my coordinator at Columbia this morning and I hear they may have a bed open up this evening “but if not definitely tomorrow morning”  which realizes my nightmare —being in the hosp for an entire weekend!!!  AAAAAHHHHH.

Not happy about this.  This has had a big mental effect on me, the whole waiting game.  Being in limbo, my bag packed , preparing mentally for the hospital, waiting for the call.   This has anxiety attack written all over it and last night I finally cracked.

Something happened while I was trying to sleep.  It was scary. I was definitely panicking, heart racing, disoriented, then I took something to help me sleep and it made me HALLUCINATE. I’m not talking fun hallucinations here people, I’m talking dark evil scary hallucinations that I thought were 100% real.  I was freaked out and probably scary to be around. NO joke.  Needless to say, those pills got flushed this am.

So, I am working on the fundrager to keep occupied. But I am exhausted so it may be nap time soon on the comfy couch.  

I’ll keep you posted.

Have a great day everyone!!!!!!

smiles

Lauren 

still. here. at. home.

unsettled, anxious, nerves are shot.

waiting waiting waiting

my stunt double, Megan is here with me right now, though so that’s ok.  she’s reading magazine articles to me and we’re eating pickles.  much better than the hosp.

nope, not mine, but i woke up to some news this morning that made me so so SO HAPPY! 

i got to borrow a Mac to use until mine is back!! yup, my very own lender, to blog on, to write stories on, to take with me as my security blanket to the hospital … my very own lender!  and, it is soo nice. THANK YOU SO MUCH IRA!  my good friend Ira was not happy to hear I would be computer-less, so he generously sent one to me today to use for a bit.  Ira is extra special because we have something very rare in common:  we are both ICD soldiers.  Yup, he has a Kicker, too. And he has not only been more than helpful before I got the Kicker implanted but we continue to be in touch and share our stories; the ups and downs of life with a crazy ticker. He especially understands what it’s like to be terrified, so scared when you’re ticker is jumping around in your chest and the only thing that crosses your mind is “what is going on in there?!”  So, Ira, for your friendship, for your kicker, for your advice, for your mac, I am grateful.

Now I can talk to all of you out there! First issue of business.. where am I? Well, this may (or may not) come as a shock to you all but I am at home.  That’s right, waited the whole day to get “the call”.  Pretty anxious day. Turns out no beds opened up for me. So, I wait, again, until tomorrow…  I’m totally in limbo. My fear is spending the weekend in the hosp and waiting another day only makes me more nervous that this could happen.  Anyway, i am happy to be in my own home so i’ll try and just dwell on that positive note and worry about tomorrow … tomorrow.

Another update for ya.  Remember last week, running around to my doc for testing when I could barely walk my legs hurt so bad?  I couldn’t even walk to the bathroom?  And the fainting.. ugh!!  Well, as I suspected (and as history has it), my blood tests came back looking —NORMAL. shocker! I mean, great news but this just all adds to the mystery. so, now the doc wants me to go to another doc (sound familiar?), an endocrinologist. he believes since i was on the steroids for so long starting back in nov, that my adrenal gland stopped producing adrenaline on it’s own and now i have something called adrenal deficiency.  this could explain the fainting. again, this is all a “could be why”.  it’s not for sure, and it’s only a suspicion but it could be possible considering that i felt better when i took the big dose of roids last friday.  this is all annoying and overwhelming at the same time.. the roids were something i took to make me feel better and in the end, they wind up hurting you.  it’s the worst feeling.  i hear they also affect your bones. i am scared now. of another thing. another thing to worry about.  sometimes i want to scream!  aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, the convo with the doc ended like this “lauren, take 2 pills of the steroids a day until you see the endocrinologist”.   umm… i think i’ll wait and just add “endocrinologist” to the list of docs that will see me in the hospital. whenever i get there!  at least that one may not cost $400 like the last doc he sent me to.

so, i don’t know where or when i’ll be talking to you next but i will be blogging away… yay!!!

hope everyone is great and feeling well.  sending positive energy to you all.  i know this is a chaotic time of year.  

lots and lots of love and smiles

Lauren 

on friday when we finally sat down with my heart doc at columbia, i realized that it was worth the (2 1/2 hour) wait.  after being back and forth between docs the end of last week, at the very last appointment before everyone started going home for the holiday weekend, i got a doctor who finally acted like one!

my doc listened to everything i had to say: basically how i am afraid to leave the house by myself (fainting and seeing white spots all the time), afraid to sleep (i have awful dreams, terrible body pains, palpatations) , and afraid to eat (the whole stomach/ colitis issue). unlike my other doctors, who seem to pin ball me around to each other or fix things with a quick band-aid (ah hem, steroids), my cardiologist wants to know what’s up.  she said she wants to admit me to the hospital. 

my initial reaction?  to cry. “i’m not ready to be back in a hospital yet”. i looked at my mom. looked at the doc. the doctor says she’ll have everyone come to me; the stomach doctor, the rheumatologist, and they can all work together to get to the bottom of things.  she also said i can have my heart transplant evaluation while i am admitted, which is GREAT because it was something that was hanging over my head and i am happy check it off my list. ok, i agree, it IS a good idea. and i won’t have to run around manhattan to appointments totally weak and seeing white spots.

the downside?  i’ll be in the hospital, and a bunch of the tests are not so fun such as the right heart cathertization (which i had at cleveland clinic) where i lie awake while they put some tiny tubes into my neck (my jugular vein) and test the pressure in my pulmonary artery.  it’s as awesome as it sounds.

so, here i am gearing up for my stay.  my doc put me on the list for a bed starting tomorrow.  this, providing a bed opens up. so, my fingers are crossed that i will get a call to go in tomorrow. i would like to get the bulk of this done throughout this week because the goal here is not to be in the hospital over the weekend. nothing happens in the hospital over a weekend.

so, bing bang boom, i want to go in tomorrow, out in four days (that’s how long my doc says it’ll take).  i HOPE this goes smoothly.  i will not know when a bed opens up until i get that call and then i am on my way up to columbia presbyterian. it’s all up in the air.

i’m not gonna lie, i am very antsy, anxious and unsettled tonight. i am nervous and yet looking forward to getting some answers.  sound familiar?  cleveland clinic take 2. i can only hope i am treated as well as i was there.

today my beloved lap top freaked out and for the first time i had to leave it with the “geniuses” over at the mac store (which made me very nervous i felt like i was leaving my child there), so i am trying to figure out what to do about blogging while i am in the hospital!! i can blog from my phone but it isn’t the same.  i also planned to watch episodes of gossip girl online to keep me occupied.  yea, i said it.  now i need a new plan!  what will i do without a laptop?  i also have 2 books and TONS of mags. but still… gossip girl was just a guilty pleasure i was looking forward to. i really don’t watch so much tv but i caught the last 3 episodes and i’m hooked. also, i really like writing in the hospital. it keeps me goin.

ok, hopefully next time you hear from me i am on my way to the hospital as scheduled. i am prepared for battle. i am going to be strong and happy. and let’s all hope that i do not get any evil nurses this time around — because i am prepared this time.

ok, back to pacing and trying to relax.  i am really anxious. i have so much to do! there’s so much i want to do!  i feel like i am going to jail or something!  haha.

hope everyone is great and rested after a long weekend. sending love to everyone. fingers crossed that this all goes smooth. 

love Lauren 

2 hours and counting. Still no doc. I’m losing it. This is soooo annoying. Why even make appointments?