i have been on the phone with insurance companies, the insurance department of new york, and the like for most of the afternoon.  i am so frustrated.  basically, there are no options for someone like me, who had to stop working due to health problems and their cobra is running out in two months.  i have tried calling every single person, tried what seems like everything, even the scleroderma foundation!  my current best option? when my cobra runs out in december pay $1200 -$1400 per month for health insurance (because i definitely need a plan where i can see out-of-network docs. not one of my docs is in-network).  and they tell me this with a straight face over the phone.   who can afford that?  not me that’s for sure.  what does one do?

i guess i am even more bothered because i didn’t get much sleep last night so i am cranky.  it felt like the longest night ever.  everytime i would drift off to sleep i would awake to find out only ten minutes had passed.  i hate those nights.  at some point during the game of twisting and turning i realized that my left ear was hurting.  it’s been hurting for awhile on and off, i figured i was getting sick like an ear infection or something.   but of course, in the middle of the night your mind starts to really have a go at you.  i, of course start thinking… can scleroderma spread to the ears?  probably.  can it make me deaf? probably.  am i having a flare up and maybe there is inflammation in my ears and that is why it is hurting? am i imagining this?  at this point, you can forget about sleeping Lauren.  i mean, i could really get myself anxiety ridden if i let all these fears take over me.  usually i am really good at just breathing and trying to relax and let it go but last night it was so difficult.  i could not get away from my mind no matter how hard i tried.

more “stuff” to get done.  in the meantime, scleroderma was featured in AM new york today. you see, i am very trendy with this disease. lol. it’s all the rage.  check it out, interesting article on stem cells and autoimmune disease called “Resetting the Immune System”

until later when i am in a calm state…