I am exhausted but I wanted to post an update.
When I use the word “exhausted” tonight, I refer to a feeling I have that just hasn’t lifted since this insane weekend. I am just so overwhelmed. I can’t find a better word. I am not sure how much one body and mind can take. Overwhelmed in every sense, in every way, in every thought, from the second I open my eyes to the second I attempt to close them (and then lie there for hours). It’s haunting. My greatest fear is that one day it will be one thing too many and I will just snap. I’m not even sure what I mean by “snap” but it would be like checking out mentally, just not being able to handle stuff. These are my worries. But, I got some good news today so not to fret, you won’t be witnessing a breakdown tonight… and at the end of the day I don’t dwell on the negative, dark stuff enough to give myself a chance to really go downward. I am determined that these things won’t take over my life, that they will not alter my personality and make me some cranky “why me” person. It’s just not my style. But I will admit, I am exhausted, and this most recent test in particular was a tough one. ” Sick and tired of being sick and tired” as The Kid would say.
Let’s get to Dr. K first. Not as dissapointing as the Brooklyn train wreck of an office visit but still quite annoying. I felt like I wasted my time by going up there considering a lot of my questions could not be answered because a bulk of my blood tests could not be faxed to that office as I sat there and waited. Some did come through and I sat across from the doc as she read them for the first time aloud to herself and myself. I did complain, and she did look embarrassed. Nothing groundshaking. I am still waiting for the important results that mean something to me. Basically I think she is a great resource to have on my team. She is smart when it comes to natural healing but her organization and her office management is a zero. I guess I have to take a xanax before I go see her and just chill out and enjoy the ride.
Dr. K keeps things on my radar that may be good for me in the future and I do feel safer having her set of eyes on my body along with the others. You can’t be too safe. She generally has the same view on this illness as my other docs do: “we don’t know what to expect, we can’t predict this, what you have is very rare, we just have to watch you closely and hope for the best.” Makes my stomach drop every time.
We found out from my hip x ray that my right hip is a bit deformed and we have to watch it closely … the fluid and connective tissue that separates the top part of the leg and the pelvic bone are sparse and getting rigid. This wouldn’t be good if it progresses. Dr. K says that by rubbing the MSM cream she prescribed me 5 times a day along with yoga and massage we can prevent progression. Good news is, it’s at the very beginning of any sort of deformity so , we watch and we take good care of the bod.
As for the stomach mystery? She didn’t have much to add either. It’s still just that, a mystery. No one can tell me how to prevent it from happening again. She’s not even sure why exactly it happens when it does. My new plan is to make a plan to avoid an ER and a hospital at all costs IF it happens again. It’s all about keeping me feeling safe. And boy, have I yet to get into the NYU hospital story with the med student who is basically going to get into a lot of trouble. I just do not want to talk about it here yet before I file the official complaint. Brrrr creepy. Awful traumatic awful hospital experience. Ewwww.
Ok, now for some happy news. It’s great because just when I was feeling so done, so BURNT OUT, a spark comes and lights me up again. Aaaaah. Due to some crazy and rare technicality, I will continue to be covered on my present Cobra Insurance coverage for another year. PHEWWWWwwwwwwwww. I almost cried on the phone when I heard this news. This was such a weight lifted off my shoulders. WOW. WOW. I mean, I still pay for it each month but it is NOTHING in comparison to the individual plan prices those robots were throwing at me. Thank you!
Time to turn off. Ahhhh.
