days like this are what get to me most. i can “deal” with a whole lot but the events of today is an all too familiar story and it always crushes me the same. i am always insanely frustrated when i have to face and accept my limitations, and when they interrupt something i have planned it’s even worse. for a long long long time i wouldn’t make plans. this goes back to learning the hard way over the past year that if i planned to do something i probably wouldn’t feel good enough to do it and would have to cancel anyway. as i’ve mentioned before, it’s been hard to keep friends and a social life (some people just don’t understand), and while i have amazing friends that have stood by my side it never gets harder for me to say NO to an invitation. what if they just stop coming one day?
about two months ago i actually slowly started to venture out, to try and have a social life again. i was still met with disappointment (i.e: i wound up in the er on the night i had planned to see a show called Fela! that i had been dying to see), but on the nights i could carry out plans i felt like a million bucks and was able to stay high on that feeling for weeks.
anyway, today was important to me. i planned to spend the day with one of my most favorite people in the world, Gela. Gela is my grandma and it’s her 75th birthday today. i had big plans to spend the day with her, hang out, celebrate. she doesn’t live so far from me but far enough out of manhattan where i’d have to do a bit of traveling —i had it covered, was going to borrow a friend’s car and be off! free! i woke up this morning feeling awful and still got ready. it took me forever. i felt awful when i left the house, and still continued on. i bought her flowers to take with me, really beautiful lilies, and when i crossed the street from the flower store all i kept thinking was: there is no way i can drive right now. it was difficult to even cross the avenue! like lead weights no my knees and ankles. i waited at my friend’s for a bit, hoping it would pass but i only got worse and had to eventually say the words out loud “i’m not going to make it today”. ugh, like a knife stabbing me in the heart. so disappointed in myself, so sad, so frustrated and impatient. why body? why can’t you just get it together already?
but then i remember to just chill out, that none of this negativity is going to make me better or get me to her house for that matter. and then i became proud of myself: the old Lauren would have pushed it. big time. i would have ignored all the warning signs and drove out there with a vengence. i would have done all this just to prove to myself that i am not a “sick person” and that i can do whatever i want whenever i want. looking back, i find that i did a lot of things for that reason, just to prove to myself that i am not a wimp, that i hadn’t lost the war. but these days i’m trying so hard to love myself. every part of myself and to be understanding, be my body’s friend instead of its nemesis. so, i let myself be angry for a bit, then i accepted i just couldn’t do it, and now i am just sad but at least i am resting. my old ways would have gotten me there today, sure, but then i would spend abour four days in bed recovering. so yea, i’m proud i could just chill. and i’ll look forward to another day with Gela. it is what it is, and it sucks.
all the books i’ve read about this diet that i am on mentinon a “die-off reaction” that usually occurs around this point in the process. i am not sure if this is what is ailing me today (it could be a 90807879 other things of course, like going off certain meds, acupuncture reaction,etc…), but it sounds a lot like the descriptions in the books. good news is it means the diet is working (getting all the toxins out of my system) but i have to deal with a “flu” as it passes. always something.
