been buzzing all day.  didn’t sleep well last night.  woke up feeling unrested even though i slept (a phenomenon i experience often, yet never quite get used to).  then had roid rage most of the day (this happens whenever i change the dosage on my taper), and still can’t sleep!  i was/am super cranky all day long.

i am using my energy to work on the website.  it makes me hopeful to channel this into something good that may help others. it also keeps me occupied so instead of diagnosing myself with things over google at 3am i am working on something productive.

i have high hopes for the site and i cannot wait to introduce it to the world.  i think we have a name, but i can’t say yet, i want to make sure it’s available, etc.

been very busy with maintanence as per usual:  trying to figure out what’s best for me and my body on every level (meds, diet, herbs, supplements, activities, docs, healers, and on and on and on and on).

sigh.

me, my heart, my health, my Love,

my brother and sisters, pam and big dave, my friends,

my loving family, my grandmothers,

my apartment (my sanctuary), nyc, babycakes,

my healers, my doctors, my support groups, my blog,

my pacemaker,

today,

tomorrow,

Obama.

i love that all over america today people are saying their “thank you’s” out loud.  it makes me smile.

I woke up today thinking “I really really really want to get better. “  It was loud, in my mind, so clear!  Then while I lie in bed reading I decided to change it to “I AM getting better.”  So that’s been the theme song in my head all day long, and I will keep chanting it to myself for as long as I can, every day; live it, believe it, breathe it: “I am getting better!”

And I will am.

And I’m sending those vibes over to my dear friend, The Kid.

haven’t posted in a while because there really hasn’t been much to say.  same old stuff: good day, bad day, not so great day.. there’s always something you know?  this past saturday i think my “funk” reached an all time funkiness when i woke up crying. yes, real tears, the second i opened my eyes. all i could do was sob.  it’s this same mysterious pain in my left side under my rib, always there, getting worse.  it’s like i am constantly being tortured and it finally broke me down.  first i thought it was my heart, then maybe it was muscular (i am pretty scrawny right now so my body gets hurt easily), and now i am letting my imagination go out of control with thoughts of what it could be.  on saturday i just couldn’t take it anymore:  the constant background of worries in my brain, the constant aching on my side, waking up and my first thoughts being “ouch”.  it starts to really mess with your mind.  it’s hard to have a day after that.

i’m better (mentally) now.  i had a great experience with my yoga session on tuesday and then acupuncture yesterday, and i felt really good and strong afterward so i am riding that wave…

so, i thought about letting this go but i feel like i have to vent about it just so it’s not stuck in my head tonight. it is about a conversation i had today. let me preface this story by saying that this person is a truly caring and awesome person who has my best interest and healing at heart.  we were discussing this “thing” on my side that has now been around for two months and what it could possibly be. the conversation got serious for a moment when she said that i should really speak to my doctors about this and get it checked out.  she went on to say that an old roomate of hers was complaining of sore ribs and pains similar to mine for awhile (some time ago) and she could not be diagnosed.  turns out it was cancer in the connective tissue of her ribs.  she didn’t want to scare me and i believe her when she said that, but it scared the hell out of me!!  my mind basically exploded.  i had to get a massage after this bomb dropped and i spent the entire hour on the table basically thinking i have cancer in my ribs. i was going over all the tests i had taken in the past six months in my head:  cat scans, xrays, bloodwork, sonograms, surely they would have seen something, right?  what could it be then? it is possible —anything is posssible. what should i do?!  by the end of the massage instead of feeling blissful i was having a full blown anxiety attack.  i had to take a xanax it was so bad.

i do not blame this person —as i said she only has my best at heart.  many times over the past year a lot of different comments have come from various people that have shocked me. like the eyebrow threader who told me a sweet story about a girl she knew who also got a pacemaker when she was young and at the end of the story she goes “yea, she died”.  wtf?

sometimes others forget or may not even know just how much information i process and then have to deal with and register each day, and things get said under these forgotten circumstances. i don’t walk around with my head down and with a frown on, it’s not my style. i am pretty upbeat and smiling most of the time.  i think this confuses people and they forget how much i am actually going through at that moment.  i have become super sensitive from the constant buzzing in my brain:  when to take certain meds, what food to take with what, eat this vitamin with this, this one with that, this one on an empty stomach, don’t eat… anything fun!, don’t drink any dairy, no sweets, take my blood pressure to see how low it is, don’t wash your hair today because your arms are too weak. not to mention the daily aches and pains.  throw a thumping heart on top of that and some days i am a real, live, crazy person!  AHHH!

it’s actually funny to me as i type this. it’s like this big joke that’s being played on me. i guess i’d rather laugh at it than cry.  i feel better that i wrote about this experience.  i can forget about it now.  i guess it helps to share because we are all guilty of saying things without thinking them through.  we have to remember that we dont know what others go through —we couldn’t possibly know. words make a difference!  whether they are good or bad, humans seem to have the strongest affect on each other. words are so so powerful. how amazing is it when someone can put you at ease with words?  and i’m not talking about cheesy one liners or fake concern here, i mean something as simple as an “i dont know what you’re going through” or “i don’t agree with you”  “but i’m here and i care about you” or “everything will be ok” even if you know they might not be so sure about that last one.

the important thing is that i feel good today (minus the whack rib pain), and i am going to have some warm yummy soup for dinner now on my comfy couch.  aaahhh.

so we never have to talk about dr. K again.  why? because my mom just shut it down.  yup, pam got Queens with dr. K’s office.

after my last post my mom told me to give her the number, and she would call to straighten things out. so i figured i would let her give it a try before i had all of you call and harrass the office (eventhough i kind of wanted that to happen after how rude those girls were to me).  my mom also could not believe the disorganization (she had to call three times before she spoke with someone who listened and apologized), and when the doc finally called her back today, she ended with a promise to fax over the test results.  we are still waiting by the way.  the doc blamed her “help” and said they are ruining her practice, that she is so so sorry blah blah blah… same story i heard when i was there that day, waiting forever for my tests to be faxed over. pam says that the phone conversation made her nervous, that dr. K is all over the place, disorganized, etc..

it seems to me they are a scam op.  either way, i am never going back there.  another doctor, another disappointment.  i really do not trust anyone but myself to cure this mystery.

a rainy day means that i have been super achy today but i am trying to stay up.  i’ve had a pretty rough two weeks (i’m sure you can notice by the tone of my posts) so i am trying so hard to get back to a positive place.  i have always been so good at talking to myself, keeping myself strong and positive, and calming myself down when i am scared.  i find it harder and harder to do for some reason, it’s like i don’t have any more energy for it or something.  and lately i have been scared a lot.  i can’t figure it out but i’m missing this “thing” lately.  this thing that usually gets me through the really hard times.   i just feel so so tired that i can’t even deal and it’s been an icky cycle.  sick and tired of being sick and tired as my friend the Kid says.

so, i am hoping that i get a break and i start feeling good again.  maybe it was a phase, maybe it is the diet, who knows but i need to start feeling a bit better to lift my spirits a bit.  just so i know everything i am doing is not in vain!

i will get better. one hundred percent.  i guess i am just being impatient.  it’s easy to be so when you feel shitty.

i’ll start by talking to myself again “i am strong, i am healthy, everything is going to be alright”…

I’m thinking I might put Dr K’s number up here and let you all call her at your leisure, and leave a message to please return my call (and to please GIVE ME MY TEST RESULTS THAT I PAID FOR). I simply can’t argue anymore. Don’t have the energy. I am tired of being ignored.

Even though I am on a brownie high, I am still pretty frustrated and annoyed about this whole situation.  I just cannot believe what a person has to go through with some doctors.  It isn’t right to be in a position where you depend on a doc and their staff and they completely mistreat you and/or do not come through on their promises.  It’s happened so much over the past year, and I am equally outraged every time.  This time however, it’s really important to me that I get these tests (which are now 3 months old).  Plus, the flat out rudeness of her staff makes me want to annoy them.  I will consider this some more before I make a decision but I was very close to putting her number up here just now.  I have been ignored by them for months.

Putting her number up here may also provide anyone googling their number with some quality information about Dr. K and her poorly run office.