nothing has changed at all with my heart.  sigh.

sigh of relief that nothing is wrong.  sigh that my heart hasn’t miraculously started moving again.  the bottom wall still doesn’t move at all due to all that scar tissue. but, it’s ok, i am so so SO happy we don’t have bad news.  i can actually calm my nerves now that i know nothing major is going on in there.  why am i having these chest pains and discomfort?  well, doc says “it’s just part of my condition”.

at least he’s cool, he said i am welcome anytime which feels good. it’s nice to finally have a doctor that doesn’t make you feel like you are bothering him when you’re scared and need some help.

i am going to try and get some sleep now.

On my way to an impromptu cardiologist appointment. I wasn’t supposed to see him until January but I panicked last night and asked if he could check things out… I haven’t been feeling great and my heart in particular has been worrying me since last Thursday. I was trying to make reason of my chest pains and heavy thumping heartbeats but it is just way scary and the sleepless nights have to end. I need some peace of mind. I am sure it isn’t anything (at least I hope it’s not), but better safe than find out in January I’m in a bad situation. My ideal sitch? I go there, we see that my heart has gotten so much better and is pumping strongly on its on, which is why I feel it! And maybe the kicker is on too high of a voltage? That would be awesome if my heart is moving. I am wishing and hoping it is in the back of this cab right now. All I know is that I would love for the discomfort to stop. Feeling your heart thumping and doing somersaults in your chest is a constant “on edge” feeling. No matter what I do there is background noise in my mind “what is happening in there?” am I gonna faint? Is this serious? Is this anxiety? Am I short of breath? I’m such a wreck and I really need to chill. Hope I can after my doc right now… Update to come after Send some healthy ticker vibes out this am!

Feeling a bit better this week than the previous two.  Perhaps it is because I am on such a high from election night.  pure elation. what an amazing time to be a part of.  i couldn’t be prouder to be a new yorker (and for the first time in a long time, an american). as i walked to whole foods yesterday afternoon I  noticed that everyone was smiling and happy.  i can’t tell you how many people said hi to each other on the streets just because.  there is a collective “sigh of relief” that happened.  amazing energy in the air.  i totally think it’s contributed to feeling a bit better this week —or maybe i’m just dealing with it better since i am so happy. of course, there are always aches and pains in the background (they simply never go away), and on a rainy gray day like this one i am especially cracky and achy but i can deal.  i laid on my back last night on my makeshift tennis-ball-massager and i think it helped my back a bit. i’m off to get one of those mayan abdominal massages today because surprise surprise: eventhough i am eating painfully boring healthy food my stomach STILL hurts!  yikes.

taking a break from the docs this week.  back to the mystery next week.  i have an appointment with dr. Y coming up to go over all of my test results.  we already know the suspected Lyme is a dead end with that negative test result so let’s see where she takes it from here…

been having way more anxiety lately.  i’m always worried about my ticker.  it’s the first time in a year that i’ve gone so long in between a checkup with my cardio docs.  it’s actually a good thing that my appointments have been spaced out now, but when you are used to having someone “watch over” you so closely, you tend to get a bit scared a paranoid.  i am constantly scared but i am trying to work on this.  it’s a terrible thing to walk around with each day —this fear in the back of your mind.  but i am doing my best to control it, to only make way for positive strong thoughts.  “i am strong, i am healthy, my ticker is getting better, everything is going to be ok”  i literally repeat this to myself over and over probably a thousand times a day.

btw, STILL trying to get my tests from Dr. K.  I have been so outraged by the girls in her office.  serious arguments on the phone everyday.  I try not to get worked up but this is getting ridiculous.  the doctor refuses to call me back and give me my test results (which she promised to do going on 2 months ago now)!  i cannot believe what goes on.  i am going to keep harrassing them until i get my tests. it’s on.

been on the phone since i have been awake with doctors offices and insurance company basically getting stuff done.  lots of tests to send to doctors, results, etc..  i just had a ridiculous conversation which esclated into a huge argument with Dr. K’s office.  they are the most difficult people to communicate with, they have screwed me over many times (including my last appointment with the doctor who didn’t even show up to the manhattan office that day and not one person called to let me know).  they basically will not give me my blood test results that I PAID FOR.  i got these tests done way back in august, have since tried to get the doctor to read the results to me and when she couldn’t do that i asked for them myself.  i have spoken to three different people today at Dr K’s, all very rude, and none of whom will release them to me.  wtf?  i asked for the doctor to please call me, like she promised she would back in september to give me my results, and they explained that she probably will not unless it is an emergency.  so, needless to say Dr. K is fired. big time.  i just really want these blood tests. they were extensive tests. ugh.

trying to stay positive and start the week off on a lighter note than the weekend.  it was a rough one.  but it always amazes me what one has to deal with when it comes to doctor’s offices and their staff.  it makes this whole ordeal so much more difficult and aggravating.  can’t people just be NICE?

worked on the website over the weekend.  i cannot wait to get it up and running!  i still don’t have a name for it.  hmmmm…..

i am miserable. absolutely down and miserable.

spent the past couple of hours on the floor, on my back.  on days that my back and neck are especially awful, i stuff two tennis balls into a sock and use it to roll over to massage my back.  i put it on the floor and then lie over it.  it helps a little but the second i get vertical again the pain rushes back.

another saturday on the couch.  having that all too familiar feeling; like a prisoner of my body.  i can’t get up and go where i want, no i can’t go to brunch with my friends,no i don’t want any visitors, i can’t even eat what i want because of my awesome diet, and so i feel trapped and angry.  i am tons of fun to be around right now as you can imagine.  my brain is racing but my body feels like lead.  this leads to very dark thoughts.

try something creative to get my mind off things?  not so much.  can’t paint, can’t sit up and write on my computer for too long, don’t feel like reading, nothing nothing nothing.  i lie on my back, on the couch.   can’t even stand to listen to the tv.  i just want to be angry.

to complete my day, i have gotten the bloodtest results to the lyme test.  i went to the mailbox in hopes of finding something to cheer me up but it was a bunch of bills, invoices from the insurance company, and an envelope from the lab.  i took a deep breath and opened it…. negative.  now, i haven’t spoken to my doc yet about these results (obvi) but i think i can read everything clearly and i am pretty sure it is totally negative.  i’m not sure how i even feel about this but now we know ($1000 later) that there is no lyme disease. awesome? sad? good thing? bad thing?  i have very mixed feelings. the mystery continues.

- a very cranky lauren