Haven’t felt like writing much.  Mostly because I don’t like to spread the negativity when I am feeling down and particularly “icky”.

I haven’t been feeling physically well the past week.  I am having a reaction to a new medicine I started about two weeks ago, and I am trying so hard to just get through this bad part.  I wake up naush, battle waves of naush throughout the day, and go to bed naush. The headaches are terrible.  They feel like wicked hangover headaches that would only be cured with greasy food (only I didn’t get to enjoy sipping on some red vino the night before). Then, I lie awake and worry about what might happen next.  It’s been rough, but I’m hoping this funk is nearing its end.  I just ride it out, I expect times like this. After all, it was a pretty traumatic year.  This is one of the many ways we recover.  My mind has to catch up to my body… and I will be patient with it (and by patient I mean screaming into pillows periodically).

This got me to reflecting on the past year and wow I would NOT be able to really get into now, but last year at this time I was in a bad bad place.  I basically didn’t move from bed. I didn’t feel anything, no emotions, NUMB. I just remember waking up in terror —completely scared that I would die in my sleep (this was before the Kicker was implanted).  All I wanted was answers and I wanted it all fixed as soon as possible.  I get the chills just thinking about being carried to the bathroom, and needing to be walked and watched in the shower (fainting and losing my vertical hold on the world was common). I’m just feeling really humbled lately at how far I’ve come (although the terror is always there: in the background of my mind, in every flutter of my heart, in every ache and pain).

While the amazingness of my crew around me kept me going strong in cleveland and beyond, it was the fundrager this past June that really got me committed to this promise of getting better.  To honor my body by making this my full-time job, to do anything it would take.  And luckily, the fundrager made this possible.

How blessed I am that for a little while I have not had to worry about funds when I want to see a doctor and/or go to acupuncture every week (one of the few things that brings me physical relief).  My hospital and medical bills are ridiculous; astronomical!  But the fundrager eased my worries and helped me concentrate on the present. On getting better NOW and then dealing with all this other stuff.  I am constantly thinking of the many many people who are still contributing to my wellness and to my strong, fiery will to get better (I will absolutely be 100% and illness free with a sparkly heart).  Whether it was $10, $5, or $500, or the occassional kind words in an email, every single cent of it has gone to my cause —and I am living proof that when people care, the results are stunning.

I am very much aware that I would not be where I am today if not for the people who took the time to support me.  And I mean simple things, like getting out of bed and walking every day.  It was that bad.  The yoga has helped with my joints and muscles so I can move again: it used to be tremendous work to even hold my head up (that’s how dunzo my neck muscles were), and now I feel stronger. My fingers and toes were constantly numb and tingly and now, less often.  I could barely eat meals, my stomach was a mess, I lost about 25 lbs and now I am on a steady diet thanks to acupuncture and mayan abdominal massage, and of course, my lovely diet.  I can see changes in my body. I am eating again!

These thoughts keep me going through the rough patches like my recent ones. It keeps me on my path.  And I am not just talking about money here, I am talking about the thought behind it.  The simple idea of helping another human being selflessly.  How amazing we can be when something touches our lives.  I keep these smiles with me as I put my head down and attempt to rest despite the nauseau that takes over my entire body (it’s such a gross feeling).

Here’s to sweet dreams, or none at all would be nice for a change (I don’t really have nice dreams).

Sleep, please don’t be too far away…