Save Laurens Heart

I have a procedure in the morning up at Columbia. Routine test, I’ve had it done before, but I am still equally nervous everytime. It’s an endoscopy, a procedure where they put a camera into your throat, down your espohagus and to your stomach. We are trying to figure out the elusive “under left rib side pain thing” that’s been happening for months now. The doc will take some biopsies and check it all out. I’m trying to quiet my brain tonight… I have to be awake very soon as I have to check in at 7 am on the opposite end of Manhattan. I hate being put under by any type of anesthesia. Especially since the Ticker debacle. It is the strangest feeling. Plus, I am not looking forward to being hooked up to an IV, a heart monitor, and the stark hospital atmosphere in general. Yikes. I do hate being in a hospital bed. Bad memories from last year… Here’s to in and out! Simple and quick! Done and done. Let’s get this over with. Now if I could just fall asleep…

Today marks the one year anniversary of the Kicker!!  It was exactly on this day last year that my pacemaker/defibrillator was implanted in my chest.

It was exactly one year ago today that I lay in a hospital bed at the Cleveland Clinic so scared, so unable to see my future. Although, the minute the Kicker went in I felt different.. I could BREATHE again!

It was only a year ago that I needed help showering, dressing, getting to and from the bathroom, and wishing I didn’t take the little things in life for granted everytime I embarrassingly needed someone to help me take care of myself.

It’s been quite a year.  I must say, I am super proud today.  Proud of myself and proud to wear my Kicker, this little device that’s saved my beautifully scarred Ticker from failing me.

It’s a big day for me.  I thought some screen time for the Kicker is appropo… pics of her to follow.

My appt was for 1 pm. I still haven’t been seen. I sit (as per usual in cardiac appointments) in a waiting room: median age 55 , mostly male. I hate waiting. Especially waiting for this! They turn up the juice in each lead one at a time (there are 3 total), and you feel palpatations and its so uncomfortable. Ugh. Anxious anxious anxious.

I have a jam-packed day of appointments, all health related and I feel like I imagine some high powered executive feels as I make calls and arrangements from the back of a cab to Columbia. Rolling calls, belongings scattered on the back seat, I could use an assistant! It’s such a full-time job this healing gig. Keeping up with all of this has forced me to be super organized. Could I put Founder and CEO of Getting Well on my resume? Off to the ICD clinic… My least favorite. This is where they test the leads of my pacemaker (the Kicker). It is soooo weird.

Saw my main heart doctor up at Columbia yesterday.  It’s been three months since I’ve last seen her (a triumph in itself as I had to go monthly previous to this time).

She came in to see me and immediately said how healthy I looked!  I could tell she was happy with the progress we’ve made in a year —after all, in June she admitted me to the hopsital for a heart transplant evaluation.  The doc gave me a check up, and felt comfortable where we are at.  She told me to keep walking, no heavy exercise, and to keep things as they are on the medicine front.  Overall a great feeling when I left the office (an office that is particularly scary to me because it is the transplant center at Columbia and it is a heavy dose of reality every time I sit in that waiting room).

After I got dressed, I passed one of her nurses in the hallway and smiled at her.  This nurse practitioner in particular prepped my mother and I the second time I ever saw this doctor.  At the time I was still very frail (and any medical personnel who reads my chart is generally horrified by the situation before they meet me).  I remember having a conversation with this nurse and teling her I would get better.  I said something like “when my heart is better I’ll be able to ….”   I will never forget the face she made.  She laughed directly at me, pointed, looked to my mom and said “wow, this one’s a positive one huh?”  Basically, she didn’t believe me when I said I would get better.  She joined the list of many many “naysayers” any of whom if I listened to would have me as an invalid by now.  The countless doctors and nurses who tried to put their doubt on me, the awful visits and awful nurses along the way, the ones who laughed in my face, the ones who already had me getting a heart transplant… well LOOK AT ME NOW suckas.  No heart transplant waiting list and I am out and about more than ever.  Thanks to my kicker I feel safe, and I have some big plans for myself in 09.

Moral of the story?  I knew I’d get better from the beginning and still do.

Even with my scarred heart, it will pump to full capacity again.  It went from an ejection fraction of 15% in Oct ‘07 to 35% in June ‘08 (Normal is 50%-65%).  Just 15% more to go!  We will find that out on my next visit in May…

I feel good this weekend.

Up here today for Ticker check up. I am exhausted because I did not sleep at all last night… Waiting rooms are bad enough but I’m naush and can’t keep my eyes open! Nap time after this. Can’t wait to be finished.

I’ve been particularly achy lately.  Espeically the past two days (this weather is my enemy).

In the spirit of the new year, I’ve made a decision to just accept the pain when it hits, and go on with my days.  It’s a huge mental exercise but I can do it!  I am just going to be “ok” with it, stop obsessing over why why why is his happening, and push through it to do normal things.  I am tired of being horizontal, tired of sitting on the couch, tired of always trying to figure out why?!  Of course, I won’t push it but I think I need this change.  It’s good.  I have so many things wrong at any given time I am beginning to just spiral into crazy mode.  It has to stop.

So, I am off to acupuncture.  I am going to walk there even though my legs feel like lead.  I am hoping the walk will somehow make me feel a bit better.  I know acupuncture will, it is so amazing for me…

This week and next we have tons of check ups at Columbia including a check up on the Ticker!  I am excited for it because I believe I will get good news.  I can feel my heart beating stronger and stronger. I talk to her every night and every morning.  She’s going to come back to 100%.  I know it.