Everyday I wonder what it’s like to feel healthy. I can’t remember.

I’ve been hanging on to positive things for dear life since I got out of the hospital.

Usually it’s easy to go into this downspin of negative thoughts and feelings because I really hate feeling ‘“got” by my illness.  I made a conscious decision that this time around I would come home from the hospital and just be ok with it all.   Be ok that things had to change, that I have to make some adjustments, that I didn’t eat solid food until YESTERDAY (and for the record I am constantly starving)….

So, I am grateful for life and for coming this far because this time last year I was NG (not good).  I keep saying the following as my mantra for the past couple of days “it is what it is”.  And it seems to be working.

Then a day like today starts to unfold and you can’t help but wonder if someone is watching you, and just messing around with you, testing you… waiting for a reaction.  It’s like one mess after the other.  Maybe that’s what life is?  Is this how it’s going to be?

Today’s challenge?  The insurance problem (once again).  I thought I was covered until September 2009 under a previous employer but I just found out they will not give me past next month (working on this).

I cannot work, I am disabled (my doctors will tell you so), and there are barely any options for me (all of which are very expensivo).  What am I to do?  I actually WISH I could work.  I would love to.  Truly.  There is no option for me to go without insurance.  None whatsoever.

Scream-into-a-pillow time.

a big thank you for the kind words to a bunch of my followers on Tumblr.  it means so much to me.

i will be posting the link as to where my new blog can be found this week sometime.  then, goodbye Tumblr…

I wrote this yesterday during my 10 hour stint in the ER. Still at Columbia today. Very sore, resting big time in bed as I am revitalized with IV fluids. Sigh….. > » > » First (and I hope only) ER visit of 2009. My goal was that I would » not step foot in an ER this year. I am so incredibly grossed out by » this place. » » Did not sleep a wink last night. It has been a neverending series » of pain, aches, vomiting, and feeling so incredibly Ill. It seems » the past two weeks have been abuzz with this general ickiness, » which showed its Grand Finale last night landing me in the ER out » of utter desperation at six this morning… » » I hate being here. I hate these stomach attacks. I need to feel » well again. I am craving the beach and sunshine as I sit in my » stretcher in the hallway of an overcrowded ER amidst nasty » attitudes and very troubled patients screaming to “fix the fucking » pain!”. I’m right there with ya sister…. » » » » » »

for going on ten hours right now i have been dealing with another stomach attack.  the details are too gruesome to describe here, but this takes the cake for worst night ever.  i feel completely ill to the core. so sick.  i’ve spent most of the ten hours on the bathroom floor.  i cannot even think straight right now.  i don’t understand why this is happening.  and so close to the last one?

i took my “no-joke” super diesel painkiller shots to avoid the hopsital (a silver lining to all of this) —although, i have gained such a tolerance to them the shots weren’t doing much aside from adding to my nausea, making me cookoo bananas, and gave me relief from cramps for 45 minutes tops!  crazy.

i am trying to get some electrlytes into my body because i do NOT want to go to the hospital to get hydrated.  i am so traumatized by my hospital experiences here in my own city that i’d rather take the longer harder road to feeling better.

back to my setup on the couch:  vom bucket, smart water, flat coca cola, tissues…

i need this all to stop now.

it was another rough weekend into an even rougher week.

been thinking of ending this blog.

i was recently looking through my entries and i thought to myself… how long can this go on?  how long can i go in these cycles and basically keep posting the same things under the guise of different circumstances?  i feel good!  i feel bad. i feel good! i feel bad…  it’s maddening for me to look through it all.

sure, i’ve made huge progress . i am determined to continue doing so.  but when i am in a low like the one i have been for the past two weeks i can’t bear to even read another post where i complain about aches and pains and where i wish that i could just have my life back.  actually, a new one that doesn’t include suffering.

i think i am done with it.  i am done writing about it.  it used to be healing for me and now i just resent it all.  i used to do it because i want to truly help others, but how can i do that?  how can i make it happen when i can’t even leave the house?!

i have a lot to think about.  i don’t want to end things on a negative note but i think it may be time to move on from venting here.  it’s not so much feeling defeated as knowing when to “say when”.

For days.

Hasn’t stopped.

I try and push through, pretend like I don’t have so much aching that my bones feel like they may pop.  Like my knees and knuckles are balloons filled with water.  My back and neck are throbbing, I can’t walk straight.  I lie in bed and try to get comfortable for hours… nothing.  Maybe the floor?  Nothing.

As if the out-of-nowhere muscle and joint pains aren’t enough the mysterious left rib pain is back.  It’s worse than ever.  True to form, it snuck in somewhere at the end of last week and has kept me awake and scared for days.  It doesn’t go away.

Painkillers do nothing.  I am so tolerant of them now anyways. Sleeping is scarce. Crankiness is plentiful.

I am most sad because I feel tricked.  I was doing well for awhile.  I work super hard on my health and on feeling good.  Yet just when I turn my back for a second to enjoy life it comes back and I am forced to remember that I have a mystery to deal with.

Will things ever be ok again?  Will I ever be able to go forever without this pain?   When is my time suffering over?  I just want to feel good.  All I want is to live my life without being in so much pain.