i tried to forget.  i try.  i go about my days and put my problems in the back of my head so i can LIVE.  i do this and wow, it’s hard.

it’s hard to not pay attention to the million things that could go wrong, it’s hard to not pay attention because that’s when things usually happen (when i stop paying attention, that is). it’s hard.  so i go about my life and then friday happens and i am not right ever since.

sure, it was an “everday” procedure but it has only rubbed my face in the fact that i have to be extra extra careful.  a skilled navigator amongst the minefield that is my body. if one thing goes wrong all of my hard work goes to shit.  my body goes back to such a fragile state so quickly, and then i remember “oh yea, that’s why i am a germ freak these days” or that’s why i don’t have a job, or that’s why i have a full-time schedule of healing —-because i NEED it. because you need it Lauren.

it’s so upsetting to face this. it’s upsetting to face the fact that i can’t just be ME.  it sucks.  i have to be careful, i have to be worried, and i have to watch the eff out because no one else is gonna do it for me (medically speaking). i am the only one who truly knows my body.

so, i’ll continue to feel like a fool, like some delicate package amongst my peers and friends and family when i say things like “you aren’t sick are you?” when they want to come visit, or  “no i can’t go out tonight because i have to rest”.  ugh, just saying those words makes me cringe makes me want to vomit.  yea, resting is good but i want to LIVE!  dance! eat! drink! live again!  not rest all the fucking time.  that’s just not me.

perhaps you’ve noticed by my tone:  day three of a liquid diet.  can’t eat a thing.  can’t sleep well (I have tried everything).  stomach hurts always.

Today was a bad one.

Was up most of the night in pain.  Stomach pain now.  I felt it escalating.  Early in the dark morning it showed signs that this would be in fact, one of those awful terrible worst-pain-ever stomach attacks.  Thankfully, I have my back-up “in case of emergency only” injectable pain meds.  I stuck the needle into my stomach and ten minutes later… relief. Ah.  Relief from the terrible cramping, the indescribable pains.  I managed to get some sleep after I injected myself but I woke up to a very unhappy body.

Every muscle and bone felt as if they were being crushed.  I could barely walk.  Barely even stand up.  I assess the situation: take blood pressure, stand up, sit down, can I breathe? short of breath?, try to move all of my joints around.  I haven’t felt so incredibly horrible in a long time.  My chest was feeling heavy and I was so scared.

I called my mom and she left work, and came over to sit with me.  By the time she got here I had improved a bit but she still gasped at how gray I was when she saw me.  I felt better just having her here.

It’s now hours later and I am improving.  Although, we don’t know what the heck happened/is happening. Haven’t eaten in almost two days and I am very weak. I know food would help at this point fuel-wise but I’m not sure my stomach will cooperate and digest. I think it may just bring on another attack.

This. Is. Exhausting.

I can’t help but think the same things over and over and over “what is going on?” “what triggered this? “is my heart ok?” AHHHHHH

Sigh.

I am convinced that it is the hospital which leaves me in such a state.

I have been pretty good.  Strong, eating regularly, less bad days and then … Friday.  All too familiar feelings have come back since then.  I think it’s the drugs they gave me intravenously —my stomach simply cannot handle them.  And the domino effect begins…

It seems everytime I leave a hospital I am much worse for days after.  In fact, I know for sure I have two specific problems from hospital stays that I am still working to correct.  They have messed up my stomach so so so so SO bad.  I want to stay far far away from them for a long time.  Even this “simple” “routine” “in and out” procedure has laid me out for days after.  Today I cannot eat: my stomach hurts and I am very naush.  Afraid to eat, because I don’t know how my body will react. I have pains, super tired (I didn’t sleep well at all), and just feel like absolute hell.

Thnking about all of this in light of the past year (aka ten traumatizing hospital experiences), and I am just so paranoid.  I wonder if everything was clean the other day, I get upset thinking about how sensitive I am, I get freaked out!  It’s just a big mess and I can really get carried away worrying.

Yikes.

That’s all I have to say.

Didn’t sleep well last night.  I was in so much pain.

It started to creep in mid-afternoon, my neck felt strained head too heavy for my body, legs like two lead trunks.  It progressed to a point where I was just lying in bed for most of the night in tears from the pain.  Today it is even worse and I just cannot understand why…

I stick to my diet and work super hard to eat well.  I take my meds including those evil steroids.  I take care of myself and do everything possible to keep healthy.  Things have been going well so when it hits me out of the blue like this it really drives me CRAZY.  I am not particularly any more stressed than usual and haven’t pushed myself so why oh why do I feel like I was at the gym yesterday doing a full body workout for 18 hours?  It’s as if someone beat me up, just punching every muscle in my body until they throb with fatigue so I cannot even sit up comfortably (or lie down comfortably for that matter).  My hands are numb and fingers swollen, back rigid and painful.  THIS is the part of my condition that really frustrates me.  It seems I can do all of these things “right” yet nothing wards off these flare ups. If I had the energy I would scream.

I finally caved in and took some painkillers before.  I couldn’t deal anymore.  They take the edge off but I still can’t do much.  Trying to stay calm and just accept and let it pass but it makes me really sad and most of all annoyed.

Let’s hope that this passes and I can start my week feeling good.

Been super tired. Just wanted to post the good news from yesterday that everything looks great according to the camera the doc stuck down my throat, through my esophagus, and  down into my stomach.

The meds they gave me to put me to sleep basically left me useless yesterday.  I slept and slept and slept.

This news makes me very happy.  Yet, what IS that pain under my left rib then?  It’s there, tonight, taunting me.  It’s not my heart, not my stomach… what are you pain?

So weird!

More to come.  Too tired to type.