Save Laurens Heart

I feel like a warrior when I walk on the streets…

Oh yea, I fainted there once coming out of the subway. And that bench right over there? That’s where I got into a fetal position one day so I wouldn’t faint. I sweat through a pair of jeans and my jacket until T could carry me home.  Over there on the corner of Greenwich and West 10th I thought I was going down, my heart pounding through my throat.  I crawled out of a cab from sheer weakness many times on Grand Street where the old apartment was.  I convinced myself that I was going to die at the stand up soup counters at Dean and Deluca one day (still can’t eat there).  And it goes on and on throughout Manhattan.

At first, this scared me.  I didn’t want to come home to my city after being away for so many weeks.  So many scary memories.  Even walking down my own block I could feel the panic.  For so long it was a struggle.

But now I choose to look at it like a yummy scar.  Some really good stories that I can look back and laugh at (well it’s a chuckle now but one day it will be a laugh).  The battle is over.  And I won. I WON.

Now if I could just get my mind to play nice.  Oh and sleep.  Sleep would be good.

Wide awake. It’s 4:52 am as I write this. Some nights everything is just too much for me. Some nights everything hits my brain at full force and I can’t focus on one thought long enough to make sense of it all. There is so much residual build up from the trauma of the past two years: emotions, deep feelings, relationships, twists and ties that sit unsettled in my gut. I find it hard to navigate and the panic and anxiety take over. Tonight is one of those nights. I’ve resorted to Xanax which doesn’t seem to work anymore. My head feels heavy, and like something has a grip of it. The headache is everywhere. Body is restless and tired at the same time (strange, I know). Wish there were an easy cure for this torture. Time, they all tell me, will make it better. All seem less heavy. And so I wait. Now I’ll lie here and watch the light creep in the window and I’ll have accomplished nothing but bags under my eyes.

Feeling pretty awful today so I just took my blood pressure.  80/59.  That is LOW, bad low.  It’s stand up and get white spots and shake low.  I am confused because I didn’t even take my heart medicine this morning which actually lowers my blood pressure.  I usually don’t take it if I am feeling especially weak.

The other thing that is bothering me is my pulse… it’s high and I am just lying around.  Why? This is the type of stuff, coupled with my awful chest discomfort and fatigue, that brings me right back to the scary place.  I am so tense and worried right now.  I find it hard to sit still.  My brain goes in to immediate overload “what if’s” flying all around.  It sucks.

Trying to stay calm and breathe.  Deep down I know everything is ok, I am feeling healthy(er) these days, I’m so passed the scary times… right?

Yesterday I felt out of the ordinary awful.  It has been months since I felt so horrible (luckily).  I have no CLUE why.  None whatsoever.  My body was oh so heavy, it took me hours to get out of bed, I ached with every move.  I didn’t want to take the painkillers since as of late, they make me way more crazy than is enjoyable for me (more on that in another post).

I used to get super mad when this happened but I’ve calmed down in that department. I’m riding it out.  I dragged my butt to the acupuncturist in hopes of finding relief (I didn’t).  I came back and crawled into bed.  It always stings extra when it’s a nice day and I can’t enjoy it. Ah well.

The only thing bothering me is why?  I try and try but I can’t seem to train myself to go without this question in my life.  The Why’s rule my actions and I get so caught up that I actually feel myself getting sick over it.  I need to be able to stop the why’s.  Where would it get me anyway? There are “whys” in all aspects of my life that hold me back.  I am aware of them sure, but it doesn’t mean I know how to stop.

The toughest ones are the why’s attached to people.  I long for a time someone does something I find offensive or hurtful, and I don’t feel the need to obsess…why?  I wonder wonder wonder… how do people not know?  How are they so unaware when they are being dilusional/ self-centered/ thoughtless / I can go on…  I love people, I do.  I am a social person.  That’s why I am always so disappointed time and time again.  And mostly disappointed in people that I feel closest to for not getting in there and really living life.  It’s become cringe worthy to watch them only scratch the surface to get by.

I don’t want to sound misanthropic that’s not the point here.  I’d actually be ok with questionable behavior if more people just owned it.  Own who you are people!  I’ve learned a very important lesson these past couple of intense years looking inside myself:  The truth is hard but it will set you free if you accept it.

I am grateful for my illness and my scarred heart.  It has been my greatest and most wise teacher.  It made me slow down and take the time to learn about myself.  Even the ugly truths.  I had to become my best friend to start the healing process.

My promise is to keep loyal to my person and pay attention for as long as I’m in this body of mine.  I want to really really really live my life.

Made a decision to start living and loving my life again.

It was so easy to get lost in the fear. (It also helps that I’m (physically) stronger than I’ve been in the past two years).

I think it’s the only cure for what I have.

I have made some very huge accomplishments over the past seven weeks.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, I’ve gained faith in myself and my body again, and most of all, somewhere along the way I got my strength back.  I’m not talking about muscular strength (although, that has been on the up as well), but that feeling deep inside where I can walk on the street and not be so afraid anymore.

I pushed myself a little and I am so glad I did.  I proved to myself that I am not just a pacemaker and an illness.  I remembered what it was like being me before all of this scary stuff happened.  Sure, since I’ve started on this trip I’ve had very high highs and extremely low lows but right now it’s all good. And I guess right now is all that matters.

One solid accomplishment that seemed so real tonight as I glance at my medications… I am OFF THE STEROIDS!  Yup, I stopped them last Friday.  It’s been a year of that menacing drug and I look forward to evening out, getting my hormones back and maybe not crying so much, or going from happy to bitch mode within seconds.  Yes, this is a great great thing.