Yesterday I felt out of the ordinary awful.  It has been months since I felt so horrible (luckily).  I have no CLUE why.  None whatsoever.  My body was oh so heavy, it took me hours to get out of bed, I ached with every move.  I didn’t want to take the painkillers since as of late, they make me way more crazy than is enjoyable for me (more on that in another post).

I used to get super mad when this happened but I’ve calmed down in that department. I’m riding it out.  I dragged my butt to the acupuncturist in hopes of finding relief (I didn’t).  I came back and crawled into bed.  It always stings extra when it’s a nice day and I can’t enjoy it. Ah well.

The only thing bothering me is why?  I try and try but I can’t seem to train myself to go without this question in my life.  The Why’s rule my actions and I get so caught up that I actually feel myself getting sick over it.  I need to be able to stop the why’s.  Where would it get me anyway? There are “whys” in all aspects of my life that hold me back.  I am aware of them sure, but it doesn’t mean I know how to stop.

The toughest ones are the why’s attached to people.  I long for a time someone does something I find offensive or hurtful, and I don’t feel the need to obsess…why?  I wonder wonder wonder… how do people not know?  How are they so unaware when they are being dilusional/ self-centered/ thoughtless / I can go on…  I love people, I do.  I am a social person.  That’s why I am always so disappointed time and time again.  And mostly disappointed in people that I feel closest to for not getting in there and really living life.  It’s become cringe worthy to watch them only scratch the surface to get by.

I don’t want to sound misanthropic that’s not the point here.  I’d actually be ok with questionable behavior if more people just owned it.  Own who you are people!  I’ve learned a very important lesson these past couple of intense years looking inside myself:  The truth is hard but it will set you free if you accept it.

I am grateful for my illness and my scarred heart.  It has been my greatest and most wise teacher.  It made me slow down and take the time to learn about myself.  Even the ugly truths.  I had to become my best friend to start the healing process.

My promise is to keep loyal to my person and pay attention for as long as I’m in this body of mine.  I want to really really really live my life.