On Thanksgiving I sat in a room filled with family, struggling to get through the day.  I was looking forward to spending time with the people I love yet while I was there I couldn’t enjoy much.  That morning I had woken up to major aches and pains all over my body.  No explanation, it was just “there”.  I finally took a Tramadol (painkiller) during dinner which took the edge off the pain but didn’t do much else besides make me shaky.

The thing about being in a public situation when you are dealing with this bone crushing pain is that you become exhausted from trying to just “be”.  Every conversation, every hour is blurred by the piercing distraction of your body.  Needless to say, my Turkey Day was not ideal.  The next day (this past Friday) I was in bed all day.  I took a seriously serious painkiller and surrendered, unable to mentally deal with the pain any longer.  It gets to a point where you just can’t convince yourself anymore.

By the end of the weekend I was excellent!  Walking around all day yesterday, I wanted to take full advantage of my working body.  I got up early and spent the entire day walking walking walking.  Cut to today, and that pain is back.

I write this from bed wondering if there will ever be a time where I don’t go through these ups and downs.  Pain/ no pain.  Energy/ no energy.  Such an erratic way to live.  When I am this desperate I consider going on the Prednisone again (steroids) although most of me believes that no amount of pain is worth the mental anguish those pills bring.  Sure, your body feels better but you are a completely different person –typically of the unpleasant kind.

I feel worn.  Wrecked. Ravaged.  I am using this time in bed to make phone calls to different institutions to find out what they can do for my heart.

It’s a gloomy day in NYC.