Monthly Archives: December 2009

A part of My Truth

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(image from Quote Book)

I stopped to re-post this quote because it is so valid in my life today.

One of the biggest struggles I find going through major health problems in your twenties is finding your place amongst your friends.  Most 20-something year-olds aren’t faced with their own mortality, or deep fear, or the pain I’ve experienced over the past few years.  I often have to remind myself that not only is it difficult for anyone to come to terms with an ill friend but sometimes they may say things just to fill the silence.  Sometimes those things make it worse but you know they are saying it because they feel so utterly helpless and you love them for it.   It’s happened so much that I can recognize the struggle on someone’s face when they try to find the words to console.

Most of the time though, I long for that understanding.  The friends that have found acceptance in this unfair thing that’s happened to me are the ones that seem to be able to sit next to me in silence — no words, no sad face because they feel sorry for me, just a deeper understanding that yeah this SUCKS.  They are right next to me and when there are no words left, there is silence, and they can be comfortable with that.  They are the friends that let me talk about what I am afraid of and just hold my hand. Yet, this can only happen after they have faced their own fears.  Felt the feelings.  Let themselves get sad or angry about what’s happening to their friend, what’s happening to their friendship with me.

I struggle every day to keep bonds with long time friends because the truth is I am not the same person and the dynamics of many friendships have changed due to that.  I’ve had to grow up so fast… I have the mentality of a 70 year old and they have the luxury of being 27.  That disconnect hurts a lot.  I’ve lost friends because of it, I continue to question friendships because of it, I feel alone because of it.

Lately I’ve viewed this problem in a totally different way.  I am only now realizing how hurt I am.  I know that within this tough time I’ve given my friends (and family members) the opportunity to truly feel, to face the scary stuff, to tell me that they are scared or sad or angry, and many haven’t taken that opportunity.  I have sadly watched many of them turn their backs to the problems and pretend everything will be fine.  While I understand they aren’t doing this on purpose, I question why some are ready and why some continue to only scratch the surface of their feelings. It’s actually frustrating to watch.  It’s a big mess.

I have learned to be my own best friend through this experience.  I am learning to be patient with myself, love myself (scarred heart and pains and all), and just sit in silence when I am desperate for answers that do not exist.

I am curious to see how others deal with this.  Is anyone out there going through something similar?  Please feel free to comment below or email me.

Stress Pain Stress Pain Stress

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I’m sure it’s no coincidence that this major pain flare up has come a month or so into one of the most stressful times I’ve ever experienced.  Yes, I am STILL in pain.  It will be a week tomorrow that this heavy discomfort has terrorized my bones muscles and joints.  They ache for relief.  I do anything for an hour or even ten minutes of sweet relief.
Something about this decision, the entire mess of emotions that come with hearing I most likely have to get open heart surgery.  It is one of my biggest fears… not just the surgery (oh man that surgery), but the fact that I was on a high.  I felt amazing, coming off a summer of rebuilding and replenishing I was brand new and ready to start living fearlessly again!  It was like the record stopped that day in my cardiologist’s office.  I was aware how sad I became that day but I am only now realizing just how much damage was done.  I’d been crushed.  This again? So soon?

As has always been the case in the past I will do whatever it takes to keep my heart safe and working the best it can -scar tissue and all.  I’ve been crushed before and I get up. I can do this, I know it.  It’s the in-between that’s tricky.  The waiting, the doctors, the lack of trust I have in doctors, the planning, the anticipation… will I be… OK?  How do I know what the “right” decision is?  This is my life… how do you even begin to make decisions like this? The thinking thinking thinking, the sleepless nights, the worries, the fears.

The questions, the waiting, the visions of hospital beds and operating rooms, I think they have all took to hiding in my muscles and joints.  It feels like I’m carrying it all with me all the time.  How do I just let go?