Hard day today. I’m posting this tomorrow (Tuesday) morning in hopes that as you read this I am better and it has passed –like a bad dream.
I’m taking a risk here, this is super personal stuff (even more personal than talking about colonics).
Some days it all catches up to me. Some days I feel so sad for everything that has happened and I can cry the whole day long. Today was one of those days.
I spend so much time moving forward in battle mode and pushing through the obstacles I forget to take the time to be sad. I stay positive because I convince myself it will all be ok, and I believe it will, but what about the last two years of my life? I find myself mourning the time lost to illness… I didn’t choose any of this and it all happened so fast that in many ways my brain and body are still trying to be the new me; the me that was shaped out of trauma and illness…
Lauren’s list of incredible sadness (it helps to get it out):
1. What about all the things I’ve had to give up?
2. The sacrifices I’ve been forced to make?
3. What am I possibly gaining from this?
4. What did I ever do to deserve this?
5. How do you get your youth back?
6. Am I making the right decisions?
7. So many relationships that crumbled because of this…
8. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried.
9. I can’t remember the last time I truly had fun without health concerns drowning out the moment in the back of my brain.
10. When will these difficult times end?
The sadness turns to frustration and anger… I am doing everything RIGHT! I am doing it all, I am eating things I despise, I am going to doctors and specialists, I stay home and rest when I’d rather be working all day and going to parties all night in ridiculously high heeled boots.
Lauren’s list of incredible anger (also helps to get it out):
1. It’s hard every single time I say no to an invite out with friends or family (what if they forget about me)?
2. Where did the last two years go?
3. Holy shit, I’ve turned into a senior citizen.
4. The medicines have caused me more harm than helped me.
5. Most* doctors are not to be trusted.
6. You are treated horribly in just about every NYC hospital.
7. You are treated like you are going to break (physically and mentally) by everyone around you. You start to feel crazy.
8. Autoimmune disease is no explanation for what I experience. You can’t put a name on this nonsense.
9. No one will ever TRULY understand what I go through. It’s lonely.
10. The fear that it will progress… I feel so helpless.
Ah, it feels good to write it all here. I may regret writing this but I might also help some people out. People who may be going through something similar. You aren’t alone if that’s you.
Now I’ll go to bed and I’ll think of the people I love and I’ll get up tomorrow and get back into the fight.
Little LDV. So innocent and carefree. How do I get it back?
Lauren, you are incredibly brave and strong and human and you are fighting a battle with everything that is in you. You are tired and disappointed and angry… and you have all the right to feel that way.
I wish there was something big I could offer to you to make your fight a little less painful (not only physically, but also emotionally). I can offer you my ears (or eyes, actually). I don’t have any answers, but If you need to vent, know that I will listen/read.
I don’t know why you’re having to go through so much, but I do know that it’s not for nothing.
Keep fighting. Keep being the extraordinary woman that you are.
xxoo
-Julie
Julie,
You are so awesome. I draw inspiration from YOU everyday! You certainly know what it’s like and I’m so glad I have you as a friend.
Thanks so much for your words… I know you mean every single one of them.
Love Lauren
Lauren!!
I think of you often and your blogs inspire not only me but I’m sure many others. I will always continue to invite you to the parties because one day you will be struttin’in with those Christian Louboutin high heeled boots, being the fierce woman you are and say ..”Yes, I have arrived”!
You can not be forgotten, even when time goes by and we have not physically seen you, you are in our hearts and minds. Anger and fear must be a natural emotion to carry with what you are going through, but your light, spirit and ability to share are inspiring and uplifting.
Much love,
Tiffany
Oh thanks Miz T.Layne how sweet.
There is a quote that popped into my head and it goes like this: “A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” Maya Angelou
Be as you may without answers to your list, I hope you find the songs. And everyone who knows will continue to want to give you reasons to. Love, Fresh & Positive
I was in the mood to write a very similar post today, but now I’ve vented vicariously through yours and should be good to go for a while, ha, ha. So… THANKS
!
good, i’m so happy it was useful to you! you can use it anytime you are feeling down. i know i felt better after writing it. phew!
feel good xoxo
I knew you as a child, but never looked at you as one. You were special.
I sensed a higher awareness and inner wisdom. I was right.
Lauren believe it is all for something, that you can not yet see, but when you
look back in disbelief, you will have already been on your road and purpose,
to help others, because you healed yourself when no one else could.
You give us ALL hope.
LOVE OXOX
Love you very much
I am SO touched….words can not describe the way I FEEL re; EMOTIONS and Gratitude along with SO many other WORDS!! You are precious (and any individual reading this comment), Life is precious and I believe WE are all here for a purpose. Life can be taken away in seconds,minutes, and years whether YOU are ready? or not?. Every day I have a purpose and to take care of ME (which is a selfless act in my world) so I can make a difference in A way to a stranger,friend, co-worker,family, animals…..list goes on. Positive attitude, listening, softness in many aspects can make a miraculous difference in another’s lday…..and….LIFE! Be true to yourself and others it may make for a one Fullfilling, Happy, and Healthy Path AHEAD!!!!