Sometimes I don’t go to sleep because I cannot (despite feeling exhausted). Thoughts that race through my mind keep me awake and staring at the ceiling until the sun comes up.  It’s torture.

Sometimes I don’t go to bed and rest my body purposely because I am afraid of the bad dreams I’ll have.  There are phases I go through where my dreams are so incredibly real and terrifying that I actually avoid sleeping so I won’t have to experience them.  This isn’t so bad, I find something to do during the night and keep busy. Anything besides waking up in a sweaty panic.

Then there are nights like this one.  Nights when there are so many emotions and so much information to process.  It’s overwhelming.  This happens every few weeks, I download my recent experiences and it all feels so… HEAVY.  There’s always something new to accept or an obstacle to overcome mentally just to get through the day (most recently it’s been all about heart stuff again.  I’m so afraid of my defibrillator firing).   Instead of shutting down I seem to do the opposite.  I am wired… like I can stay awake for days thinking, reading, researching, planning, figuring out my next steps.  How do I get better?  How do I fix my heart?  It’s an obsession.

I’ll surely see the sun rise this morning.  I’ll fall asleep to people starting their days, heels on the pavement, squeaky brakes of the garbage trucks, kids going to school.  And I’ll wish that when I wake up everything is better.  Like magic my heart works!  Every time I close my eyes I’ll never stop wishing for that.

If I really believe in this it has to come true…  Right?