I’m at my best when I stay far away from the doctor’s offices.  Unfortunately, I cannot stay far away for very long considering that I have a standing appointment with my heart failure specialist at Columbia every three months.  They like to keep a close watch on my ticker since it is quite the mystery…

In between appointments I keep my mind in a great place.  I truly believe with every cell in my body that I will heal myself, that my heart will improve –if not heal completely.  I work really hard with different healers and holistic doctors, I do my own work, I read and research.  But most of all, I believe and I stay positive.

There’s nothing like a trip to the hospital to drain that from you.  It’s like going into battle for me.  Simply walking into the hospital is enough to give me an anxiety attack.  I prepare mentally for the worst and I put up a shield so no words can hurt me.  Not that my doctor wants to hurt me but their “frankness” can be a lot for anyone to handle.  For instance, this time around a single sentence is what stung the most; when I asked my doc what she would do if she were me in this situation she began looking through my files and started her answer by saying “well, eventually we are going to have a problem…”  meaning, according to her medical training my heart is bound to only go in one direction.   She’s the expert, that’s why I go to her, but I just can’t think like that. No way.

So, here I am in the aftermath of a trip to Columbia at the end of last week.  Part of me has to be sensible and prepared so I do my research and consider what we’d have to do in the event that I do need open heart surgery to repair my valve.  I hate even thinking about it, but it would be stupid of me not to.

My current problem is how do I do both?   How do I believe and stay my own course of healing while making preparations for the sensible world of western medicine?

I’m very cranky today.  Sometimes I get incredibly fed up with having to make decisions about my health/my life constantly.