I find myself in such a new place right now. Feels like I am completely starting over and to be honest, I am feeling a bit lost.

Clearly the past three years have thrown me for a loop.  Whatever life I was living came to a screeching halt and got flipped upside down and shaken and stirred and sent on an insane roller coaster ride the second I heard the words “Lauren, your heart is pumping at 15%.”

While it’s true that I wish I never had to witness my body struggle with illness and heart failure, I am grateful for the transformation I’ve watched happen.  It’s changed me tremendously and taught me things about myself that I may have never otherwise learned in a lifetime.  True, I am grateful every day, but I can’t help but go through bouts of frustration with my “What Now’s?”

Since I am feeling better (and better and better and better), I am slowly gaining the luxury of living outside of the survival mode I’ve been in for so long.  Questions like “what is my passion?” and “what will fill me creatively, or  intellectually?” are beginning to surface.  It’s like going through a rebirth of sorts, viewing the world with endless possibilities all over again.  It’s overwhelming in a good way.  It’s simultaneously terrifying and liberating, and all of the by product emotions that come with those sensations.

The strangest part about this is living “in between” worlds; the world where I see myself as a healthy human exploring my future vs. the world where my sensible side reminds me not to “push it” physically and to keep up with my health regimen, doctor appointments, and all of the necessary upkeep of researching my medical options (open heart surgery in this case). This balance is so illusive!  Two weeks ago I am feeling amazing and free and healthy, making big plans –only to find myself in bed for most of last week struggling to work up energy to buy some groceries or even eat them.

What will this week bring?