Every year on October 16th I celebrate Life. So, this past Sunday was a significant day for my family and I. It was four years ago on this day that I first found out about my heart.
I remember that night like it was yesterday. It is the three to six months that followed that are blurry. After several months of fainting all over Manhattan, numerous visits to my regular doctor where I told him I didn’t feel right (he said it was just anxiety), a diagnosis of ocular migraines, and extremes of weight gain and weight loss, I went to the ER because I thought I had bronchitis. My chest was tight, I couldn’t breathe and my complexion was a pale greenish gray. In the ER it was business as usual where the docs didn’t see anything alarming. They did a few tests and were ready to send me home when a guardian angel in the form of an ER doctor had a hunch and said “you know what Lauren, you seem to know your body, you think something is off, let’s do one last test.” At this point I sent my then boyfriend (now husband) home to rest. It wouldn’t be a big deal, I said, just another test that would probably show nothing.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. That test showed my heart to be pumping at 15% (normal is 55%-60%). It was the faces as I looked around the room that let me know first the severity of my situation. They asked me a few questions, put an oxygen mask on me and the chaos that commenced lasted for about two years. Actually, chaos is putting it mildly. Doctors, hospital visits, opinions, facts, procedures, medication, implants, it was the most terrifying time of my life.
October 16th, 2007 was the day that changed my life. I look back on the time that’s gone by and my head can explode. I mean SO MUCH has gone on.
Given the nature of the day it is natural to reflect. But looking back I do get overwhelmed and I wouldn’t even know where to begin to talk about how I feel. The way I’ve made it through is taking one day at a time and dedicating myself to healing. Truly believing that one day I will be better.
I’ve been especially dedicated to a new healing routine over the past 6-9 months –to be honest it’s been more like a hibernation, really. Every inch of me wants my heart to get better so I have to admit, I’ve been hiding a little. Sometimes it’s hard to be in the real world among your peers when you’re battling something so huge. It was on Sunday the 16th , my “Celebration of Life Day” that woke me up a bit. I have to even myself out. It can’t be about healing healing healing all the time. Balance…. That’s my goal these days.
I leave you with one thought. Take it from someone who had the rug pulled out from beneath them… The record could stop at your party at any time my friend. Celebrate your life each and every day. Do things that scare you, live life all the way, love with every cell in your body, eat that piece of chocolate cake! Wear your favorite dress, or your “good clothes” to the market, go places, see things, and don’t look back.
