I know I’ve been quiet lately. For a few weeks I haven’t been feeling so good and so I haven’t written here.
As I mentioned here before, I have made a lot of progress over the past several months. On my orthomolecular vitamin plan I have been able to gain weight, my energy has increased, and I was feeling more hopeful than ever. So much so that I really pushed myself to be out and about –maybe too much. Each day I wake up and I only think of that day. I take one day at a time often refusing the urge to think about the future. It’s just too overwhelming.
With my recent “funk” and all of the aches, pains and stomach problems that I’ve been dealing with I went to see my doctor. And while the doctor also sees the positive improvements, sitting there for three hours and talking about the big picture was really overwhelming for me. I haven’t been “ok” since that appointment last week and it’s because I am feeling scared. When I sat with the doctor I had to think of the future, and all of the things that are hanging in the air… my heart, my leaking valve, the possibility of open heart surgery (I’ve managed to keep that conversation at bay for a long time now), my heart transplant doctor that still says it’s inevitable. I left there with my head spinning and I haven’t been able to calm down since.
The reality is that I still have a long way to go. Sure, I am dedicated each day to taking my 120 pills (vitamins) and medication -and eating right, but my heart is still the same and has not yet shown the improvements I am hoping to see. I feel lost at the moment, scared and lost. It doesn’t help that I am tired and achy because that just makes things worse. I just have to get through this funk and keep positive but it made me realize that I have to really take my healing game up a notch.
For these past few months when I was feeling well it brought me a new sense of freedom. I wanted to do things that would bring me into the world and out of my healing bubble. I was excited to try new things and maybe new projects but my recent health issues slammed me in the face with reality.. that I still very much have to make healing my priority. Sometimes I feel lonely. It’s been four years of healing full-time and my world has gotten a little smaller because of it. I stay at home alone most days because my routine is so important and difficult to accomplish if I’m out and about. My progress is amazing but now is the time to ride that wave. There is a lot to be done still.
I’m a little sad today so I’m just letting myself “be”. Every so often it all HITS ME! My heart failure, the possibilities, how fragile my body is. So, I am just sitting here in my funk and hopefully it will pass.
I still have a great announcement coming but I lost some momentum with my recent health issues. I am excited to talk about all of the positive things to come, but for now I am crawling under the covers and giving my heart and body the rest that they need. Tomorrow is a new day.