I’m back!  Meaning, Lauren is back.  My mind is clear, I’m feeling positive and hungry for life, ready to keep fighting.  Of course, I am feeling physically better for the first time in a month so that has a lot to do with my mental state.  My energy is returning, I’m in pain less and less.  Whenever I make it through a terrible time and I get to the other side of the dark gloomy feelings I feel renewed and my perspective is incredibly fresh.  I know I can do this.  I have to keep reminding myself that it was never the plan that this would happen overnight.  It’s been almost five years since I found out about my heart.  Five years of doctors, hospitals, visits to healers and various offices around the tri-state area looking for answers.  Five years of ups and downs and emotional turmoils, meltdowns, confusion, worry, making plans, working hard, let downs, accomplishments.  Five years of research, books, internet, support groups, meditation, yoga, and the like … so I guess I’m bound to get exhausted and overwhelmed now and then.  What matters most is getting back up.

Today I have an appointment with my heart failure specialist, the head of heart transplant at Columbia, where I will find out the results of my latest echocardiogram.  I put on my armor for these appointments and I go in like a warrior because I have learned to shield myself, to let certain things go through me, like a strain.  In these appointments my doctor has talked about my life in years, she has made it very clear she wants me to have open heart surgery.  And while she is only doing her job, it’s been hard in the past to listen to what she has to say.  At times I’ve left there completely crumbled.

But not today.  Today I am going to my appointment, doing what I have to do for my heart to keep my options open, and then I will leave with the same spirit I have as I write this.  I believe more than ever that I can do this.  I will keep going and work hard, and love each day.

One of my dearest friends who I love and respect told me last week that it’s all about the 20 mile march every single day.  That the most successful army marched 20 miles a day –even in rain, snow, sleet, heat, 20 miles a day.  Any army that has tried to do more in battle always failed.  Those that would rest during the cold and rain and then march 40 miles in mild weather always burnt out.  No sprints, no marathons, 20 miles a day no matter what.  And I’ll win this battle.

I always like to keep it positive but today I have to vent.

The weeks since the FundRAGER have been one hell of a ride.  Last night I sat down on the couch after another terrible two nights and felt lost.  Completely lost, and didn’t know what to do with myself. I still don’t.  Recently it seems like my body went haywire; a simple cold turned into congestive heart failure, I was very low on energy, I never sleep a full night (usually it’s 5 am – 11am), I have major issues with my digestion, one thing after another.  It’s scary, too.  Two nights ago I woke up choking and couldn’t catch my breath.  I was in so much pain and in that moment of misery I felt like I just wanted to give up.  It was the first time this has ever crossed my mind and that bothers me.

It’s so easy to just sink into a funk when this happens.  I am so determined to bring my healing to the next level yet there’s so much “noise” that is distracting me.  I want so badly to see a light at the end of the tunnel, a sign that tells me I am doing the right thing and I will get there.  I am doing my best to stay focused but I’m not going to lie, this has been one of the most challenging times of this entire journey.

I am summoning all of my strength from the recent FundRAGER and all of the support I know is out there for me.  I will get back up just like I always do and I will keep going, but four years of this has made it harder to do so.

I’m determined to get well, to heal my heart, to have the life I want to live.  This isn’t going to stop me but it would be such a treat to feel good, and sleep, and eat, and have a “good” day.  I could use that right now.  I am fighting each day for my health and now, for happiness.

Headed up to Columbia today for an echocardiogram.  Think Healthy Heart for me!

My dream and greatest wish is that when my doctor reviews my echo this time around, she sees great improvements in my heart –I’ll even take small improvements! Maybe my valve is not leaking anymore and it has gone back to its normal function, or maybe my heart is pumping stronger, or maybe both!  I believe with every cell in my body that my heart is improving, but I’m asking for more today.  I’m asking for proof!  I’m asking for that light to show me that what I am doing is working, that my heart is improving and headed in the right direction.  I really really want this.

Think Healthy Heart today!

I have three heart doctors; heart failure, heart transplant, and EP -which is the doctor for the electricity of the heart, who takes care of my pacemaker defibrillator. It was a surprise to me initially that there are multiple doctors for the heart, that Western Medicine has become so specialized, I have three doctors dedicated to one organ!

Anyway, my heart failure doctor fit me in last minute for a check up yesterday when I called to tell him how I’ve been feeling lately. This waiting room is a particularly hard one to wait in. It is a very old practice so all of the patients in the waiting room with me are usually 60 and above, and a lot of then are 80 and above. They all look at me and think I’m waiting for a parent or a grandparent, and they are surprised when the doc calls my name.

My mind wanders as I sit here. I look around and I wonder about my very own old age. How I aspire to be a healthy 80 and 90-something year old. I wonder about my heart, and how long I’ll get to keep my own. I wonder when I will overcome this all and have the full life I dream of. And I find myself hoping that when I do make it to 70/80/90 years old, I will not have to spend those years in doctor’s waiting rooms. No. I did that in my 20′s, when I should have been working or at the gym or just plain enjoying being young. So if I put in my time now, it is only fair that I get to skip the whole doctor deal in my old age right? Every so often I think about the hours and hours I’ve spent in doctor waiting rooms and I add it up, and it makes me feel sad. So many hours.

I know my heart will heal. I just have to believe.

Update: I’m not going to say what’s wrong because I want you all to picture my heart in a healthy perfect state only. But heart must be monitored closely and I have to rest this week. Doctor’s orders.

I was not feeling well enough on the night of the Rager to stand up and make a speech, and I feel badly about it because there are so many people I’d like to thank. I decided instead to share something here:

On Thursday night I was overwhelmed (in a good way).  When I got inside I took a moment to soak it all in.  It was gorgeous.  I looked around the room at the faces who came out to support me.  I saw familiar faces, old friends, many from Prep, from my childhood, close friends and their families, new friends, co workers old and new, clients, past bosses, some people who I had only met for the first time on Thursday, and my family.  My heart was warmed with love and kindness, and I thought to myself; there are some things that I’ve experienced on this journey that I’d like to forget.  There were scary times or hospital stays from which I thought I wouldn’t recover or get over, but on Thursday I realized that if I had never gone through the dark times I wouldn’t have the opportunity to experience such a celebration of my life  –to experience first hand the loving kindness, thoughtfulness, and selfless support in that room.  For this, I am forever grateful and I wish I could find the words to truly express how much it does for me, how much my spirits have been lifted, and how much magic these feelings bring to my every day.  It makes it all a little bit easier to deal with, and this gives me the strength to continue on and reach my goal.  After four years I’m finding it hard to cope or find acceptance and patience at times.  Thursday gave me the spark I needed at this point to ignite that fight in me to continue on without fear.

It’s important to me to take a moment and talk about the girls who put this together, my bad ass friends who didn’t stop for months to make this night special for me.  These girls all have full-time jobs and busy lives and yet every week they sat in my apartment to meet about the Rager.  They made countless phone calls and wrote countless emails, they pushed themselves to the limits to make this happen, and again I find I am at a loss for words to properly express my gratitude and love for these special ladies.  I would do the same for each one of them if I had to, and our bond was only made stronger by the Rager.  I love them all.

To my mom, aunt Cyn, and friends’ moms who worked the event, my sisters and their friends, to the food vendors and liquor sponsors, volunteers (including Dee&Ricky and their lego hearts) and raffle sellers, everyone who donated auction/raffle items, the DJ’s Brad and DJ Angola… I thank you.  You all completed this special evening and it couldn’t have been done without your support and love.

I hope you all had fun and I hope each one of you felt the love in the room.  I certainly did.  I also hope you remind yourself each day that you are a part of my healing journey, an essential part of my drive to get better, and the reason I can dedicate my life to continue healing full-time. You each have a part of my heart so think good thoughts and send those perfect healthy heart vibes my way. I know we’ll get there, I know I will be healthy with a perfect heart.

A million thank you’s.

Love Always,
Lauren