I always like to keep it positive but today I have to vent.
The weeks since the FundRAGER have been one hell of a ride. Last night I sat down on the couch after another terrible two nights and felt lost. Completely lost, and didn’t know what to do with myself. I still don’t. Recently it seems like my body went haywire; a simple cold turned into congestive heart failure, I was very low on energy, I never sleep a full night (usually it’s 5 am – 11am), I have major issues with my digestion, one thing after another. It’s scary, too. Two nights ago I woke up choking and couldn’t catch my breath. I was in so much pain and in that moment of misery I felt like I just wanted to give up. It was the first time this has ever crossed my mind and that bothers me.
It’s so easy to just sink into a funk when this happens. I am so determined to bring my healing to the next level yet there’s so much “noise” that is distracting me. I want so badly to see a light at the end of the tunnel, a sign that tells me I am doing the right thing and I will get there. I am doing my best to stay focused but I’m not going to lie, this has been one of the most challenging times of this entire journey.
I am summoning all of my strength from the recent FundRAGER and all of the support I know is out there for me. I will get back up just like I always do and I will keep going, but four years of this has made it harder to do so.
I’m determined to get well, to heal my heart, to have the life I want to live. This isn’t going to stop me but it would be such a treat to feel good, and sleep, and eat, and have a “good” day. I could use that right now. I am fighting each day for my health and now, for happiness.