I’m back!  Meaning, Lauren is back.  My mind is clear, I’m feeling positive and hungry for life, ready to keep fighting.  Of course, I am feeling physically better for the first time in a month so that has a lot to do with my mental state.  My energy is returning, I’m in pain less and less.  Whenever I make it through a terrible time and I get to the other side of the dark gloomy feelings I feel renewed and my perspective is incredibly fresh.  I know I can do this.  I have to keep reminding myself that it was never the plan that this would happen overnight.  It’s been almost five years since I found out about my heart.  Five years of doctors, hospitals, visits to healers and various offices around the tri-state area looking for answers.  Five years of ups and downs and emotional turmoils, meltdowns, confusion, worry, making plans, working hard, let downs, accomplishments.  Five years of research, books, internet, support groups, meditation, yoga, and the like … so I guess I’m bound to get exhausted and overwhelmed now and then.  What matters most is getting back up.

Today I have an appointment with my heart failure specialist, the head of heart transplant at Columbia, where I will find out the results of my latest echocardiogram.  I put on my armor for these appointments and I go in like a warrior because I have learned to shield myself, to let certain things go through me, like a strain.  In these appointments my doctor has talked about my life in years, she has made it very clear she wants me to have open heart surgery.  And while she is only doing her job, it’s been hard in the past to listen to what she has to say.  At times I’ve left there completely crumbled.

But not today.  Today I am going to my appointment, doing what I have to do for my heart to keep my options open, and then I will leave with the same spirit I have as I write this.  I believe more than ever that I can do this.  I will keep going and work hard, and love each day.

One of my dearest friends who I love and respect told me last week that it’s all about the 20 mile march every single day.  That the most successful army marched 20 miles a day –even in rain, snow, sleet, heat, 20 miles a day.  Any army that has tried to do more in battle always failed.  Those that would rest during the cold and rain and then march 40 miles in mild weather always burnt out.  No sprints, no marathons, 20 miles a day no matter what.  And I’ll win this battle.