Tag Archives: heart

Miracle

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mir·a·cle

[mir-uh-kuhl]
–noun

1.

an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.
2.

such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God.
3.

a wonder; marvel.
4.

a wonderful or surpassing example of some quality: a miracle of modern acoustics.

If you can detach this idea from organized religion in your mind for a moment, a miracle is actually a shift in forces of energy.

I believe they do not happen overnight, rather it’s something that is built up, constantly worked at.  I am working toward a miracle for my heart.  Working really hard.  Reading, learning, meditating, changing my body through energy work, help from healers.  Eventually I know I will reach total recovery.

I have a renewed faith in my body to take care of my heart, to create a miracle.

Spontaneous Remission

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Spontaneous healing, also called spontaneous remission or spontaneous regression, means an unexpected improvement or cure from a disease which usually is taking a different course.

I think about this phenomenon a lot.

Isn’t it a beautiful thought?

Figuring out an electric life

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Finally!  I was able to gain some weight over the last few weeks.  I love when I gain weight because it means that my body is healthy.  I also feel more like myself when I have a few pounds on — I don’t really dig the “sick” look when I’m lingering around 100-105 lbs.

The only issue with this is my kicker (pacemaker defibrillator).  Since there are three wires hooked up to my heart, they run throughout the left side of my body.  The “third lead” is a wire that goes into the back of my heart by way of my lower ribs/ left abdomen.  Since this wire is sending electric impulses with every beat of my heart the wire sometimes hits a nerve in my diaphragm causing my stomach to “hiccup” uncontrollably.  Usually this happens when I lie on my left side, or if I lie on my back a certain way.  Now that I’ve gained some weight however, it’s happening almost all of the time!  My body expanded so the wire is hitting the nerves in my diaphragm quite frequently.  My stomach is jumping all of the time now!  It is super annoying.  It takes my breath away every time it happens.

I like my weight and even plan to gain some more so we have to figure a way around this one…

Found Freedom

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It’s amazing what a few weeks absent of doctors does for me.

It’s obvious from this journal that I have become somewhat obsessed with healing myself which includes attending many standing appointments each week –most of which I have come to convince myself that I now wouldn’t be able to live without.

It takes a lot for me to leave this “routine”.  I feel like a missed acupuncture session (I go once every two weeks), or osteopathic visit (once every three weeks), or pain management therapy (once a week) could be the difference between a happy, able-bodied Lauren and complete illness or disability.  It’s very black and white in my mind, and I am always striving for that illusive balance.

Being away from my every day life for a short time helped of course.  I decidedly push myself into certain circumstances where I may not feel 100 percent safe (within reason of course).  I mean traveling, or being away from my resources: my “team” of healers and doctors and an arsenal of herbal remedies, healing teas, and supplements (I have an entire cupboard dedicated to this).  I feel compelled to force myself outside of my comfort zone often otherwise it’s just too easy to stay confined to a bed, a couch, my apartment, and a small circle of life which makes my world smaller and smaller by the day. You start to believe you cannot do things. In my opinion, that is not living.

So the past three weeks has been about pushing.  Again, within reason (I’ve learned that pushing too far in either direction is no good).  But, I write today very happy and feeling healthy.  I am always a little bit closer to accepting that my health condition will never be perfect, and I must do things that many people my age won’t have to worry about for another fifty years.  But, I’ve come to enjoy being conscious of my heart, listening to my body, respecting when it shows me signs of distress, which in turn keeps me incredibly grateful for every new day. I’ve never felt so proud walking up subway stairs (with mini breaks of course)!

Now the test will be to keep in this head space.  I have an illness within an illness to control here: it’s the phone calls, insurance companies, doctors offices, and general healthcare insanity that I find infects me.  Trying to keep up is ultimately oppressive and heavy –and often times even on a good day a bad phone call could crumble it all.

It takes a lot of strength not to feed into the cycle.  I’m ready for the challenge.  All I keep repeating to myself is:  I am healthy, my heart is healthy in its own way, and everything is gonna be alright.

More from yesterday’s procedure

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I’m supposed to talk to the Evalve doc today and find out the results from yesterday’s tests.  Basically, we want to know if I am eligible for the trial and all the “why’s” if I am not eligible.  When I spoke with his assistant very briefly yesterday she said that judging from the preliminary tests it looks like I may not be accepted.  That’s all I know so far.

T took some pics of me at my request.  I like to document everything.  I always laugh about what the nurses and doctors must think when they see us doing a photo shoot in hospitals, medical offices,  and ERs.  It’s pretty funny.  We are so used to this by now that we find ways to laugh, have fun, and make light of every situation.  If you can’t laugh at this stuff it would all be too heavy to deal with.

Hot picture.  Taken right after my procedure, these are the glazed over eyes of someone on a lot of intravenous painkillers / anesthesia.

Standard IV shot.

Trans Esphogeal Echo – The Report

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First and most important I am really glad this part is over.  Big sigh of relief there.  But, in true Lauren fashion, things didn’t go without some glitches and this girl is feeling the struggle right now.

After a very long morning (I couldn’t eat since last night so I was miserable) I was called in.  They did a regular echo cardiogram first which takes about 20-30 minutes.  It’s always fascinating to see you’re heart beating and this was a special 3-D echo.  It was actually really trippy and interesting.  Then it was time for the big show.

The doc went over everything with T and I.  I got the oxygen put in my nose and things got rolling  The doc said he would take it slow, explaining everything as he went along.  Well, I felt the drugs hit me but they weren’t totally working.  I woke up when they were positioning the tube in my throat!  I kept raising my hand per the doc’s instructions to let them know I felt everything and I needed more!

I couldn’t swallow this big tube down.  I kept gagging.  That’s when a new doc came in.  Homegirl just shoved it down my throat into my esophagus.  “This lady is no joke”, I thought.  Thankfully, they numb your throat so that helped.  I was so incredibly uncomfortable during the entire procedure.  I felt everything!  The drugs weren’t working.  I kept asking for more, hitting the nurse’s hand, squeezing her fingers,  and the doc (in hindsight, understandably) said he couldn’t give me any more, that they had reached the max for someone my size.  I proceeded to feel this large tube being taken out and I wanted to cry.

Then, sure enough after the procedure was complete the drugs hit me.  I was smashed and as if some sleeping spell had been put on me I was out.  My blood pressure went down pretty low so they had me sleep there for a couple of hours while they monitored me.

The doc came in to chat at one point.  He was super nice and I could tell I freaked them out (I always repeat to myself “doctors are people too doctors are people too”). I was also beastly when they took the tube out of my throat so I can’t imagine that I was very nice (unlike me in those situations).  He said he was sorry that it was so uncomfortable for me.  The nurse told me that next time I should ask for an anesthesiologist who could administer more drugs and get me to be more relaxed.

Happy to be home and cozy.  I feel like I could sleep for days.  I am so very happy it’s over and done.

The Heart Truth – Awareness

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The Red Dress show was exciting and full of happy energy.  Any efforts made to raise awareness for heart disease are a great thing in my opinion.  You had all the ingredients for a buzzworthy event: celebrities, beautiful dresses by top designers, press, and bags filled with fun stuff for the guests.

I do wish I could have enjoyed the show itself a little more.  By the time the show started I had been standing for almost two hours in line.  I did not anticipate this, and I was exhausted.  It’s really hard for me to stand for long periods of time and I had to keep sitting down to rest so I lost my place in line each time I took a breather.  Thankfully I got a seat for the show because I was meant to be in the standing section.  I couldn’t help but wonder about any other heart patients that were invited.  I found it a little ironic considering that I was invited based on this blog, yet no considerations were made for women like myself.

It’s quite a challenge to explain your limitations to others especially in very public situations.  I find it difficult because I look “normal”.  You couldn’t upon first meeting me tell that I have a metal box (pacemaker defibrillator) in my chest and that I can’t even climb stairs on most days.

If I am invited again next year I’ll make sure I won’t have to stand in line for a long period of time (and having an assigned seat would be nice too).  My heart simply couldn’t take the strain and I felt exhausted that night into the next day.